Just When I Think I've Had Enough

Primary is stressful for me.

I love the kids. But being in primary is stressful.

And I attribute a lot of me feeling like I'm not really a part of the ward to being in primary and being a full-time student. We had our RS social this week and I couldn't go because of school. So I don't get to go to any activities during the week, and I don't get to talk to anyone else because I'm in primary.

I've felt for about a month now that I'm done with primary. That I just want out. Just when I'm fed up with feeling belittled and I'm sick of feeling like the presidency believes we have no clue what's going on in our class, one of the kids does something that warms my heart or cracks me up.

Yesterday we had our primary program practice. It was seriously frustrating. It was probably 30 minutes too long for the kids' attention span. And about 15 minutes before we were done, one of the presidency members says, "who's ready for a pizza party!?!" to the kids, riles them up, makes them sing 2 more songs, talks for a while, has a closing prayer, and talks some more. These kids are jumping out of their skin because you've reminded them of the pizza party you're throwing after the practice. And then, as Cory and I are helping a lady from another ward unload her car full of food into the kitchen, 2 of them stop us to remind us of things we already know, or that are just common sense. Please. I just want to go home. I'm tired. I have a day of work ahead of me. And I have my arms full of food that's not even mine.

Then, today for the program, it was really difficult to keep the kids sitting still. They just don't. And that's fine. But keeping feet and skirts down isn't easy. Then, when one of the boys in our class that didn't want to stand and sing because he didn't know the words started singing "I Love to See the Temple" I started getting a little teary-eyed. And then, this same boy in sharing time, looks at me, looks down at my chest, back up at me, again at my chest and says, "Wow! Those are two big ones!" I knew if I laughed it would bring more attention that necessary. After church I told Cory, who also busted up. So funny. I love these kids so much.

My Heart is Filled with Peace

I have to say that Sundays are pretty much my hardest day of the week. Teaching Sunbeams has not been a cup of tea... not in the least. But I love those kids.

The past two weeks we've been practicing for the primary program in sharing time. Not fun. The kids lose interest real fast. They're only looking forward to the Saturday practice because there's a pizza party afterward. And honestly, I would lose interest real fast too if there weren't pizza... Yeah, sad. I know. I'm pretty much a 5-year-old. I have a stinkin' hard time sitting in one place for more than an hour.

Well, during sharing time today, the added all the extras too. You know, the two Asian kids who play violin really well, the extra talks, and this one boy who sings his heart out. They gave this kid a solo. Well, he sings the 2nd verse to one of our songs. And can I just tell you he almost made me cry. The Spirit flooded into the room. The kids were still for just a moment. And my own heart was filled with peace. Oh, if I could hold onto that feeling the entire day...

I am so blessed to have these little moments of security in my calling.
And I love these little kids.

Remember When

I can't remember everything from 9/11/2001. But I do remember being at school and watching all the devastation on the news. I remember being in shock at what was going on and not really believing it. It was a horrendous event and I pray for all the soldiers, servicemen and families who were scarred by the terrorist attacks on that day.

Today, Cory and I kind of commemorated the day by watching documentaries about 9/11. We started flipping through TV channels looking for something worth while. A lot of standard cable channels were airing football games, which I found pretty disrespectful. Okay, I know people can't stop their lives for an entire day to remember the past. Oh wait, what is Memorial day, and Veteran's day, and all of the other holidays we've started to remember fallen soldiers or devastating events? We do have a day. And yes, I know not everyone actually takes the time to remember.

And I'm not really expecting the world to stop just for 9/11. But I think airing programming 9/11-related would have served this country a whole lot better than football.

We are in such a state of selfishness and apathy in our nation. The youth don't care how their actions effect others because their parents haven't taught them.

I feel like failing to remember the events of the past is actively searching for failure in the future. I feel we need to respect those people who give their lives to keep us safe. It's the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and I was 14 and probably don't realize the full significance of the tragedy. What happens in 10 more years when no one remembers? We are the generation that experienced it. We need to be the generation to remember and learn to be unified with one another.

Working Hard

Things always work out. Right? That's what I'm told.

Well, so far, at least in the job market, they finally have.

I'm back to 2.5 jobs and I'm so excited about it!

I still have my job in the HFAC, Cory and I go up to grandma's to help with the house and yard, and now I will be a classroom aide for a 14 year old girl who is hearing impaired and learning delayed. I cannot wait!

When I was called in for an interview, I was shocked because I have been shut down so many times in the past couple of months. When I went into the interview, it was great. It was the most fun interview I have ever had! This girl and I got to play Wii and the rest of the interview was so relaxed. I felt so comfortable. I love her mom and I was so excited about the idea of working with her daughter.

After the interview... I waited. And waited. But, she went on vacation over Labor Day weekend, so I don't blame her at all. On top of that, when she got home, her modem went down. So her phone and internet was down. It felt like everything was against me.

Kayla told me today that this woman talked to her (Kayla was a reference of mine), so I was hoping to hear back from her today. And I did!!! She told me that after going back and forth with all the people she interviewed (I didn't realize there were so many...) and she wanted me to work with her daughter! What a blessing!!!

Aside from working with this incredible girl (her hearing impairment wasn't diagnosed until she was 5! And she was tested every two years...) I am so excited to have some real life experience working in my field of study. It will be great for a resume and an application to graduate school. Which just means I have to work really hard to be excellent at this so I can get a good reference letter. I cannot wait!!! I've only met this girl once and I already love her.

Yes, working so many jobs get stressful, but it's stressful not working that many jobs. Before this job offer, I was starting to panic. Cory and I were still surviving. He's getting pretty good hours with his jobs, so we're not starving. But still... it's nice to feel more comfortable, be able to save up some money in case of emergencies, and be able to go on a date here and there.

Thank you, friends, for all your love and support, and to all my employers for having confidence in me. And Cory for working so hard to keep us above water.

If I Die Today

Tonight we got an interesting phone call. It was my sister-in-law. Essentially she wanted to call to tell us that if she and her husband happened to die in some kind of freak accident, we would get their kids. Their 4 kids. Their 4 adorable and super smart kids.
Boy that's a lot of trust!
But at the same time, I'm grateful for that trust.
So thanks Brittney and Cliff. We love your kids and are excited to take them off your hands when you die. Uh... if you die.

...Cory and I both laughed after this phone call. Because, how many times in your life do you get that kind of call? I mean, really?

And I guess that means that Kelli, Kristy, and Korrie are out of luck. We are taken. You just didn't get to us fast enough...

Relax

Since my sister gave us her couch back in April or May, I've been looking for pillows for it. It's has some quirks and Cory and I have been saying we needed to get some pillows for it for a while now. Well, Labor day sales are usually pretty good. But when I was pricing them, even the sale prices, it would have cost us at least $60... and that would have been for ugly pillows. No way.

So I decided to make my own. The fabric store had just about everything 50% off... so I picked up some cute fabrics, piping, thread, and had at it. Well, I didn't have any filling, and I wasn't going to pay $30 to fill my pillows either. When I went to Walmart, they had a sale on pillows and it hit me. I'm just going to transfer stuffing from regular pillows to my couch throw pillows. $5 I can do. So 4 pillows, minus labor of course, cost me $20. $5 a piece I can work with.

I'm especially proud of myself since I don't have sewing machine. I'm really hoping to get one once Cory and I have a little more space that I can actually put a sewing machine. Until then, I either have to borrow... or do it all by hand. And did you see that piping?!?

Heartbreak Warfare

Ever feel like everything in life is conspiring against you?

Welcome to my week.

Yes, I survived the first full week of school. Great. Good for me. So did about 35 thousand other students.

The past couple of weeks I have been trying SO hard to find another job. I was working 2, now I'm down to 1, and that just won't cut it. Especially since everything at my job is crazy right now. I loved my job before they changed everything, but now I'm not so fond of it. In fact, I'd really rather not work there if it's going to continue like this. But since it's the only job I have, I have no choice. And on top of that, I don't believe in doing a job 1/2 way.

Monday I had a job interview that was perfect with my schedule and I was really excited about it. Tuesday afternoon I found out that I didn't get the job.

Thursday I had my call-back audition for Women's Chorus, which I was in last year. I find out this morning that I didn't make it back in. That is probably the most heart-wrenching disappointment I've had in... well, years. I LOVE Women's Chorus. I was even willing to miss part of a class to be in it (don't worry, Cory is in the same class and would have been there for the parts I missed). I am heart-broken. Genuinely. Like the kind of heart-break you feel when you lose a loved one. It may seem silly to you, but I really felt this was a part of me. And in reality, it is.

So no job. No Women's Chorus.

There is hope though. At least I'm telling myself that there is.

I interviewed for another job this afternoon working with a deaf girl. I think it would be a phenomenal job, and especially great to put on an application for grad school.

I'm just hoping, knowing the Lord will provide since he always does, that he will soon. Because so far, this year is not looking good. And my heart just hurts.