A joy you can't keep in

I really can't express how much I love life right now. With all that has happened, the good and the bad, I truly believe life balances. We're thrown a few bad things, sometimes seemingly impossible and really horrible things. Things beyond our control, trials we're given to test our strength and faith, and things we really do just bring upon ourselves. Blessing come in this way too... sometimes they just come, sometimes we're given things to test what we'll do with them and who else we're willing to help, and sometimes we really do things to help ourselves.

I couldn't have been more bummed out when I got my rejection letter for my program (at school). It felt like breaking up with my ex all over again... and hearing him tell me he really didn't love me when he said he did... all over again. Quite painful. This was both in and out of my control, but I felt like I did the best I could with the part that WAS in my control. Then, that same day, I go to put gas in my car, and freakishly, it doesn't start when I turn the key. It was insane... and again, freakish. Out of my control.

Some of the balance came when I heard back from EFY. I started to feel better about life when I began to get my back-up plan in order. Just then, the best of all this happened. My dad, who had been unemployed since I was on my mission over a year ago (about 15 months total), was offered a job! I got this email from him saying, "Dear friends and family, I will be moving to Wichita, KS.... blah, blah, blah.." Not verbatim, but something along those lines. The point is, MY DAD HAS A JOB! I am so happy for him. It's going to be tough, because he is going to be living in Kansas, forging off the tornadoes, while my mom and my nieces under their care, stay in Vegas. Well, this isn't something we're unfamiliar with. When I was a junior in HS my dad moved to Cali for a job while I stayed with some friends in Oregon. It can be done. It's hard, but it will be a great learning experience for all. I have faith that this will end up being wonderful.

Lastly, I talked to the advisor for the school of music today and there's a small possibility I can re-audition for this fall in the summer instead of having to wait an entire year to audition. I'm meeting with Dr. Broomhead (head of the choral ed program) this Thursday to discuss my options. I will be auditioning for choirs this August and look forward to taking piano lessons soon. Life is going to get even more exciting in the VERY near future.

Wish me luck!

Everybody Sing Like It's the Last Song You Will Ever Sing

Me? Really? After the week I've had??? I can't believe it!...

Well, I'd like to thank all the little people. You know who you are. And my family. I love you all. Oh, and my roomies, you're just great. And I'd like to thank all the teachers at BYU who have ever had to deal with me. Yeah. That's about it.

No seriously, can we start talking about blessings? And miracles? I have WAAAAAAAAY too much to be grateful for.

Now you want to know why, right? Well, even though I missed my appointment with the music advisement center, I DID take my physics final today. That's right, the final. That means I'm finished with this stupid physics class. I started it online right after I got home from my mission, took a few months break because I had no internet access when I did summer sales and worked on it very slowly until I finally finished it. TODAY! I don't recommend taking any science course online. First off, you could tell the course was designed by a scientist. Great, you think... but no. Not all of us are scientists. Those of us who are not have a hard time trying to figure out if you're looking for answer A or answer B and it's very ambiguous. No seriously. I promise I'm not an idiot. But the fact that I'm coming out of this with a good grade is a miracle.

Next, I have a job for the summer! As much as I loved summer sales last year (especially the people I worked with) and would love to do it again (and probably will), I have another new opportunity that will hopefully help me get into the music program next year. That's right folks, I finally heard back from EFY (I applied and interview about 2 months ago) and they want me for 5 weeks this summer. Who knows... maybe more. No matter what, it's a great leadership opportunity.

I'm hoping that this, along with auditioning for women's choir and concert choir, will help me get into the music program next year. Until then, we're flying with communication disorders. Life is so good. Plus, I have one paper (one page, double-spaced) due next week and that is the last assignment I have until finals. Oh life is so good!

Did I mention I'm grateful?

Know That We All Fall Down

I believe every cloud has a silver lining, right? Or at least they're supposed to... so they say. I think sometimes we get the silver lining before the cloud comes. And sometime we're supposed to see the wisdom and beauty in the cloud. (I happen to love clouds and taking pictures of the interesting things I see in them. This was a view from Arizona when I was working there last summer.) Well, this time I got my silver lining before the cloud came, and I think I'm starting to see the beauty within this particular cloud. I still don't understand all the reasoning behind its existence, but it's there, and now I need to figure out how I want to see it. (Enough of this cloud metaphor yet?)

Last week my roommate found me a job, and it's wonderful. I'm so entirely grateful to her, and my new boss for hiring me. It's a really easy job and I have time to do extra homework. It's pretty much the ideal situation as far as working goes.

Early last week I also got some things on my car repaired, courtesy of my mother. But then again, it's still technically her car and she's really good at keeping her cars in great shape. So the alignment is all nice and aligned and the practically dead tires have been replaced. I can drive with ease without blowing a tire and guzzling gas. All of this made for a very happy mood for me. Plus I got to spend the previous weekend at home with my dad on his birthday. All wonderful things.

Well, all good things apparently must end. Earlier this week I was thinking about the vacation my family has been planning since December for spring break so I could figure out what time I needed to request off work. April is coming up soon so I thought it reasonable to get the details. Well, somehow it turned out that I invited myself, need to pay for myself and suddenly I'm a burden on my family (okay, that last part isn't true, but it really felt like it). So, I decided not to go since it ended up being such a huge ordeal and made me feel really lousy. I couldn't really afford the gas+food+Disneyland ticket+anything else they decided to do anyway. It's just not feasible for me. Not now at least. Our family Disneyland vacation is just going to have to be Kayla-less.

Next, this past Saturday I found out a friend of mine made it into the program we both auditioned for. I realized since I hadn't found out yet that the outcome would probably not be good. I found out today that I was right. Which is fine. Disappointing, but fine...now. Ah, life.

To make matters just funny, I went to the gas station, for obvious reasons. I finished putting gas in my car, get in, put the key in the ignition, turn... and nothing. Oh, my car was putting forth a good effort, but nothing was happening. So in a fit of despair, I being to sob uncontrollably in my car and in the middle of a gas station. All the while, turning the key just praying it will start. After a few minutes of this, I call my dad. He's the person I call for everything. Seriously, even though he's hundreds of miles away and can't really do anything to help the situation physically, he's always been there to... well, listen. In this instance, laugh. I'm not kidding. He picks up the phone, I'm blubbering about my car, and he just starts to laugh. I'll admit, it's exactly what I needed because it got me to laugh too. It's just too ridiculous not to laugh. "It's just not your day," was his remark. Oh yes, it's true. Not my day.

Here's some more lining: earlier my dad suggested (since I didn't know what to do for the next year before I can re-audition) going into speech pathology and communication disorders. It's nice to know your parents think you'll actually be good at something. (Something I didn't really hear much... or ever growing up.) I looked it up and it's only a 51 credit major and I've already taken some of the classes. It would only take me 1 1/2 years to get my BA. By the time I re-audition, I'd be almost finished. And I realized this would be the perfect degree to help me with music ed. Think about it. Learning how the language-learning process works and how the mouth articulates would be ideal for teaching kids to sing. It seems like the perfect combination to me. Plus, with communication disorders, I can use my ASL and still get a degree in deaf studies. Yeah, I think I'm a little ambitious, but it can and will be done.

Today went from complete despair to hope and even excitement. Amazing how the Lord works and helps you figure things out, even through the seemingly traumatic trials. Boy I'm grateful for the gospel and faith. It sure makes life easier.

PS. My roommates have been really great through all of this. They deserve the Nobel Peace Prize WAY more than a certain president who hasn't done much to redeem this country from its fallen financial state.

Go Shawty, It's Your Birthday!

Oh boy, birthday week! This past Tuesday was my roommate's birthday and since we love birthdays around here, we like to celebrate BIG! Monday night we set up a nice big scavenger hunt for her to wake up to which involved clues, tons of orange arrows and random little gifts (one was a color-changing Barbie). Since we wanted people to come, we planned her party for that Friday. So yes, we began the pinata-making process early. Our kitchen table was unusable the entire week, but it was SO worth it.

I couldn't think of a thing to

get her for her birthday, so I decided to make something, knowing that she loves collages and her entire party was based off her favorite colors: orange and green. This is what I came up with. I was looking for ideas online and saw a really cute picture holder, but it was $50 including shipping and nowhere to be found in town. As much as I love her, there's no way I could rationalize spending $50 on her and there's no way it would have been here in time. So using my little crafty, non-science oriented brain, I found some wooden dowels, cute ribbons and a TON of buttons, found pictures of her to use

(this was also a display piece for her party),

and fashioned this lovely arrangement. It only took 3 hours. So, maybe it did end up costing $50 in parts and labor, but it was a labor of love and I love it... and kind of want i

t for myself. It holds 13-25 pictures. Please don't steal my idea and patent it. Other decorations for this party included tons and tons of orange and green dots which we plotted all over our walls. Oh yes, it was a glorious green and orange nightmare. We had so much fun and played pin the tail on the donkey, hit pinatas full of candy and played charades. We are the best birthday party throwers... especially if you're a 6-year-old.

Friday was also the actual birthday of a good friend of mine. We felt bad for taking over his birthday with my roommate's party, so Thursday night we brought him his very own cake. I was surprised with how well it turned out since I've never made an ice cream cake. But picture this: chocolate cake with cookies and cream ice cream with whipped cream frosting. Mmm... delicious. Or so he says.

Last minute, I decided to drive home (a 5+ hour drive) because Saturday was my dad's birthday. Did I mention it was a week full of birthday fun? So after going to bed around 3, I woke up at 7:30 and was on the road by 8. I got home around 1:30 (pacific time) and surprised my dad. That was probably the happiest I've seen him in a long time... at least from my view. So I'm glad I got to spread some birthday cheer. It was nice for my nieces to come running and screaming to hug me too. We went out to dinner that night, did a little shopping and watched a movie. I wasn't planning to, but stayed for church, took a nap, and, after visiting with my sister for about an hour, was on the road again and made it back by 9pm. Quick trip, but it was definitely worth it. I probably wouldn't have done it if I still had multiple projects and assignments due, but I had them finished by Friday afternoon.

As another good news moment, my wonderful roommate (the birthday roommate) found an opening at her job, recommended me for the position, and her boss hired me! I am no longer unemployed!!! I work on campus as an usher for the productions and recitals there. I'm so excited. I don't even know how much I'm getting paid, but I don't really care. I HAVE A JOB! The added bonus is that I get to work with my roommate. I have a feeling I'm going to really enjoy this.

Here's to another great week!

Am I Bright Enough to Shine in Your Spaces?

I've been having interesting conversations with people lately. Not that my conversations with people aren't normally interesting, but the topics seems to relate despite the different people. Mostly about relationships, but then again, this is a Mormon college town, and what else is there to talk about?

A week or two ago my missionary trainer got engaged. She started dating this guy maybe a little over a month prior to the engagement. (I'm sure they knew each other before though... at least that's my hope.) Then my friend from my singles ward in Vegas calls me up yesterday to tell me that a boy she reconnected with last weekend after 6 years wants to marry her and she wants to marry him. It might be a long engagement, but from what I understand, they're "pre-engaged"... whatever that really means. Along with this, a lot of my friends are starting in new relationships and my roommates are getting asked out on dates. Fortunately for me, my sister wants to set me up with her friend's brother, and a friend of mine wants to set me up with his little brother (who is my age). Who knows if it will actually happen, but I haven't been on a real date in over 3 months. I haven't been asked out in a very long time. Which, in reality, isn't a big deal to me. Especially when there are a lot of creepy guys out in the world, and I tend to attract them because I'm "nice" or whatever else it may be they're drawn to.

On top of all this relationship talk, I've been trying to get ahold of my ex- for about a month now to finally get some closure. Just before Christmas last year things just felt off and there was talk of marriage and his family was really pressuring the both of us. I really wanted to marry him and felt good about it, so it was more than welcome on my part. My family was accepting of the idea. But toward Christmas he felt distant and I knew something was off and he wouldn't talk to me about it. (I was also feeling very insecure because this is about when I realized I was gaining a bunch of weight... which ended up being thyroid-related, but I didn't know that then.) He has never been one to hold back his opinion or ideas, good or bad (I did like this about him, but sometimes wished for a little more tact) so it was odd for him to not talk to me about what was going on. After a few weeks of this, and not being able to communicate with him, I told him we needed time apart to figure things out and decide if this is really what we want. So for the past three months, things, for me at least, have been really up in the air. There have been guys I've met that I would really like to date or get to know better in that time, but I just couldn't seem to let myself. So finally, after weeks of phone tag, we got to talk about it. I needed to know what he wanted from me and I needed to tell him that, yes, I miss him (because you just don't go from being head-over-heels in love with someone to nothing over night), but have no expectations of any future or relationship with him. It went very well. As it turns out, that time apart was good for both of us. He realized that what he thought he felt, and what he was telling me about how he felt, was not what he actually felt. So all this stuff about being in love with me and wanting to marry me was bull, but no a lie, because he actually thought he felt that way. I understand that... sometimes the idea of something is so appealing that you think you really feel it. It just stinks that I really did feel it and he didn't. I don't blame him though. Well, now he's single and can go flirt with all the little 18-year-old girls who look 23 all he wants. (Okay, well that sounded vindictive, but that what happens... the 18-year-old girls love him... he just doesn't look 27.) I'm happy that he's happy and I'm happy I'm not stuck in a one-sided relationship for eternity.

I'm also very grateful that I have the validation of being able to trust my instincts.

My roommates and I have decided now that it's our turn to find someone.

So yes, if you take the time to look past my less than perfect (but I put forth good effort) exterior, you will find that I am bright enough to shine in your spaces. And even if I'm not the girl for you, I make an excellent friend. I'm always willing to listen, I'll give you sound advice when you want it (occasionally when you don't but I feel you need to hear it), and I'll try my best to soothe your broken heart. Cause hey, everyone's gotta be good at something. This is just my thing.

Quote of the Day?

I was in the midst of doing my physics homework and in my textbook at the end of a paragraph it says this:

"In all, they are remarkable 'machines' with awesome powers."

It doesn't even matter what they're talking about. I thought it was too amusing not to share. In my head I read it as if it were in a Marvel comic book. You should do the same.

And yes, I did stop mid-assignment to share this with you. Now back to physics...

The Grass is Getting Greener Each Day

It's March, officially. Happy March all.

I'm feeling pretty good today. Sick, yes. Does my back still hurt like an 82-year-old arthritic woman? Oh yes. But I'm still feeling good.

This weekend I went north to help my sister paint parts of her house. It may sound a little odd, but I really enjoy painting walls. The change and the work involved I think is what does it for me. Plus I love color. On top of that, there's my sister who is just so much fun to be around. She's (and really I feel this way about all of my sisters) one of the few people who I feel really understands me. Or at least tries hard to understand me. So I'm glad she called me, and I'm glad I invited myself to help her paint, and I'm glad I got to help sew new curtains for her kids' rooms. It's been a while since I've sewn... even straight lines. It was refreshing really.

To make matters better, I took my Physics midterm and got a B+!

And better yet, despite my screaming back, I went to all blocks of church and it was amazing. I have a new calling as the ward music committee chair/leader, whatever you want to call it. It's a lot more work than I anticipated, but I love it. The hymns didn't get to the communications committee (even though I emailed them a week early... which was probably the problem) and the accompanist for the musical number was in Salt Lake 20 minutes prior to the start of Sacrament meeting, and the chorister was ill, but all this aside, the hymns were sung, the accompanist showed up on time and I led music. Everything went off without a hitch... or so it seemed to everyone not involved. Sacrament meeting was beautiful. One of those that just fills your soul. (Thank you Emily for being willing to emergency accompany yesterday.)

One of the speakers had the topic of fasting and fast offerings. Of course the scripture in Malachi that says, "Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it." It's a common scripture used with tithing and fast offerings and I've heard it and used it a million times. It took on a bit of a new meaning for me yesterday after Relief Society and talking about things that distract us from our priorities. When the speaker paraphrased this scripture, he said there were so many blessings that we cannot receive them all, in the same context as there being too many to receive. I thought to myself, is it that there are too many for our capacities, or do we just not know how to receive them because of feelings of unworthiness, not understanding how to recognize and receive the Lord's blessings, or can we not receive them because we do not want them? ...We don't want to put forth the effort required to receive them? Yes, the Lord says there shall not be room enough to receive it, but are we not making room for blessings in our lives? Is that why there's not room. We know the blessings are bountiful. Can we make room for them?

So, a new part of my goals is trying to make more room for the Lord's blessings in my life. That, of course means recognizing them better (because I know they're there, but I'm sure I sometimes miss them), trying to be more worthy of His blessings, and trying harder to make the daily things we're supposed to be doing more sincere.