Am I Bright Enough to Shine in Your Spaces?

I've been having interesting conversations with people lately. Not that my conversations with people aren't normally interesting, but the topics seems to relate despite the different people. Mostly about relationships, but then again, this is a Mormon college town, and what else is there to talk about?

A week or two ago my missionary trainer got engaged. She started dating this guy maybe a little over a month prior to the engagement. (I'm sure they knew each other before though... at least that's my hope.) Then my friend from my singles ward in Vegas calls me up yesterday to tell me that a boy she reconnected with last weekend after 6 years wants to marry her and she wants to marry him. It might be a long engagement, but from what I understand, they're "pre-engaged"... whatever that really means. Along with this, a lot of my friends are starting in new relationships and my roommates are getting asked out on dates. Fortunately for me, my sister wants to set me up with her friend's brother, and a friend of mine wants to set me up with his little brother (who is my age). Who knows if it will actually happen, but I haven't been on a real date in over 3 months. I haven't been asked out in a very long time. Which, in reality, isn't a big deal to me. Especially when there are a lot of creepy guys out in the world, and I tend to attract them because I'm "nice" or whatever else it may be they're drawn to.

On top of all this relationship talk, I've been trying to get ahold of my ex- for about a month now to finally get some closure. Just before Christmas last year things just felt off and there was talk of marriage and his family was really pressuring the both of us. I really wanted to marry him and felt good about it, so it was more than welcome on my part. My family was accepting of the idea. But toward Christmas he felt distant and I knew something was off and he wouldn't talk to me about it. (I was also feeling very insecure because this is about when I realized I was gaining a bunch of weight... which ended up being thyroid-related, but I didn't know that then.) He has never been one to hold back his opinion or ideas, good or bad (I did like this about him, but sometimes wished for a little more tact) so it was odd for him to not talk to me about what was going on. After a few weeks of this, and not being able to communicate with him, I told him we needed time apart to figure things out and decide if this is really what we want. So for the past three months, things, for me at least, have been really up in the air. There have been guys I've met that I would really like to date or get to know better in that time, but I just couldn't seem to let myself. So finally, after weeks of phone tag, we got to talk about it. I needed to know what he wanted from me and I needed to tell him that, yes, I miss him (because you just don't go from being head-over-heels in love with someone to nothing over night), but have no expectations of any future or relationship with him. It went very well. As it turns out, that time apart was good for both of us. He realized that what he thought he felt, and what he was telling me about how he felt, was not what he actually felt. So all this stuff about being in love with me and wanting to marry me was bull, but no a lie, because he actually thought he felt that way. I understand that... sometimes the idea of something is so appealing that you think you really feel it. It just stinks that I really did feel it and he didn't. I don't blame him though. Well, now he's single and can go flirt with all the little 18-year-old girls who look 23 all he wants. (Okay, well that sounded vindictive, but that what happens... the 18-year-old girls love him... he just doesn't look 27.) I'm happy that he's happy and I'm happy I'm not stuck in a one-sided relationship for eternity.

I'm also very grateful that I have the validation of being able to trust my instincts.

My roommates and I have decided now that it's our turn to find someone.

So yes, if you take the time to look past my less than perfect (but I put forth good effort) exterior, you will find that I am bright enough to shine in your spaces. And even if I'm not the girl for you, I make an excellent friend. I'm always willing to listen, I'll give you sound advice when you want it (occasionally when you don't but I feel you need to hear it), and I'll try my best to soothe your broken heart. Cause hey, everyone's gotta be good at something. This is just my thing.