I have a friend (a girl who was once my visiting teacher a few years back) who is just the cutest thing. When I met her, she was a hair stylist and I always looked up to her for how put-together she always was. She had the cutest clothes, her hair was beautiful, and even if she was only wearing mascara, she was always so beautiful. Plus, she has this smile that will light up a room and takes a genuine interest in people. She's probably one of the first visiting teachers I was excited to have come visit me.
Recently this friend of mine started a blog. And, being the blog-stalker that I am, I started reading it. To my surprise, her blog was all about eating disorders and body image. This girl that I so adored and admired for her confidence and beauty was writing about how she saw herself, the world, and how it really is. I was automatically hooked. Some friends' blogs I can go a few days (seeing a new post) without reading. Hers, I don't want to. They seem to give me a better sense of self and a little boost in my day.
Why has this particular blog affected me so much? Well, it's simple. I've struggled with an eating disorder for several years of my life, which is probably why I'm writing this particular blog post. It has never been consistent. But usually, when I gain a little weight, I freak out and go into a spiral of self-loathing. I don't always automatically go into bad eating habits mode. And I don't always hate myself when I eat a cheeseburger. I'm fortunate that I'm not, and haven't been, in the same negative place that many girls have been and are in. I definitely count my blessings. And I think I would be there if I didn't have the Gospel of Christ in my life.
I think right before my mission was when it was the worst. It was the time I was very stressed out, living in an unfamiliar place (albeit with people whom I loved and who loved me too), working 2 jobs, trying to pay off a LOAD of debt, dating a boy who was very vain, and trying to prepare for my mission. I know the family I lived with was concerned. The mother even tried talking to me about in the most loving ways. I always blew her off telling her I genuinely wasn't hungry. I got very used to the feeling of hunger, to the point where it didn't bother me any more. But I was exhausted. I couldn't shake the feeling of being so tired. But I lost a lot of weigh, quickly. I dropped sizes (even though I was still only a size 12 max... I was so excited to be in a 10 and wanted so badly to get down to an 8). It's the smallest I had ever remembered being. My boyfriend kept telling me I looked great. My mom, when she saw me, told me I looked great. I felt like I looked great. But the truth of it is, I felt terrible. It took months for the mission department of the Church to approve my mission papers because I was anemic and needed to get it under control before I could leave. Instead of taking care of my body, my doctor prescribed iron supplements. They worked, and I was grateful.
It wasn't so much a problem during my mission, I think because I was so focused on more important things, but with some companions it was a problem. I did have one companion that I knew of for sure who was bulimic. I was so mad at her because she was letting her issues get in the way of our work. I was trying so hard not to focus on my own eating problems and just do the work. We weren't companions for long, not by choice, but I was kind of glad for these reasons.
It got bad again after my mission though. I went right back into a lot of the same old habit. It has come and gone since then (now that it's 3 years since I've been home) and I still have my good and bad days. Not so much with my actions, but definitely with my feelings about myself and food. The good thing is, when I have more important things to concern myself with (like my mission and with my baby), I don't act on my inclinations to not eat. This pregnancy and having healthy children is far more important to me than food. Don't worry, I'm pretty good at taking my vitamins too. And Baby Girl is really healthy and perfectly developed at this point. That's the greatest blessing of all.
In my friend's most recent blog, she talks about a contract with herself. She mentions to stop doing one thing and do another instead. When you want to do the thing you shouldn't, do more of the good thing you're trying to do. So, for myself, I promise not to starve myself and to be grateful (and thank my Heavenly Father every day) for the blessings I have been given.
Yes, I have gained a lot of weight with this pregnancy. But that's normal, and I gained about 15 lbs right before getting pregnant. Since then, I've gained another 15-ish lbs, which is normal. Well, for a "typical" person. When you're already overweight, they say you should only gain 15 lbs total. Yes, I want to lose weight after Baby Girl comes into the world. But that will come with a healthy diet and more exercise. I want to be closer to my ideal weight (which is not my pre-mission/anorexia weight) when I get pregnant with baby #2. Fortunately I have a summer of no school so I'll finally have time to exercise with a real routine. It will happen, and I will get control of my food issues. It may take a while, but it will happen. I'm determined. I will not feel bad about eating good foods. I will not feel ugly when I'm just a little overweight. I will not let my poor body image take over who I am.
Like I said, I'm not as bad off as some... maybe even most with eating disorders. For that I'm grateful.
I'm a little hesitant to post this, but I think, to keep myself accountable, I'm going to.
If you're interested in reading Sherry's blog, here it is: http://doingtheroar.blogspot.com/
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Dear Kayla,
ReplyDeleteI gained 45 pounds every pregnancy. For the first eight kids I got back to my pre-pregnant weight within a year. For me 45 pounds was normal weight gain for pregnancy, and I found that it was not an unusual pregnancy weight gain according to my research. But I did have a small oriental nurse at my doctors office once say I was gaining too much weight at a check-up. Luckily I had already had a number of children by then and so I knew better what was healthy and normal for me. I felt the same as you, my babies health was of up-most importance. I had had healthy babies and so I felt I should stick to what worked. Granted, I am over weight now, but I'm told that every miscarriage adds 5-10 pounds and I had four. And the older a person gets the harder it is to loose weight too. I have been pregnant a good chunk of my life, but I don't regret any of it and I still would not diet while pregnant even if I could to do it all over again. You are beautiful and being pregnant is an amazing, exciting time of life. It sounds like you are doing just right. Keep up the good work. Know we love you both, Your Mom Scott