There's One Who Knows You Perfectly

Let me start this out by saying today has been one of those half and half days. One of those days where I totally feel left out with my co-counselors, like my kids really didn't want anything to do with me (except for the one who almost refuses to leave my side, but not because she likes me necessarily), like I don't have much to offer, like I don't know what's going on, like I really want to call my dad (he was in Vegas this weekend but I didn't get to see him and I miss him so much) but I can't because he lives in Kansas and he's for sure in bed by the time I get the chance to call him at night, and one of those days where you tell yourself, "Okay, I know I'm not that attractive, but I'm still a good enough person on the inside." Yet, it was also one of those days full of tender mercies where I was able to feel like I connected with one of my youth, got to talk to and get to know a bunch of the deaf youth, helped others feel the Spirit, helped others find their way (physically and spiritually), helped one of my girls feel the desire to go to seminary next year, and felt as though I shared powerful testimony. It's these half and half days where, though I feel a little useless here and there, those very short moments of peace more than make up for the pain and sorrow. Though I know these things, the moments where I felt I did some good, were 1% me just being there and 99% the Lord.

I also found out today that a few of my kids struggle with some of the same things I do/have. Not sin-type things. Just situational things that they're struggling with. I am grateful for the moments where I feel like I am here for a reason. Where I know I'm supposed to be here. Those tiny moments of personal revelation. How grateful I am and I truly wish I had the words to express my feelings - but I don't. There aren't enough. They're not adequate. Only the Spirit can truly communicate for me how I feel.

One last experience: I had the opportunity to sing again this week. I got to sing "Let It Begin" from our CD this year. It's a beautiful song about repentance. I love it so much because I feel like that's where my testimony is - where it hits home the most. Not even with big sins, or sins at all. Mainly about turning to the Savior in all things. Part of the song says, 'There's one who knows you perfectly. He can take the hurt away. The healing starts within. Just let Him in and let it begin." It doesn't even matter the kind of hurt we're feeling. He can take it away because he knows how. Only he knows how because he is perfect and knows me perfectly through the Atonement. This is me feeling the song of redeeming love. Yes, I can feel it. And how grateful I am.

A Beautiful Somewhere, A Place that I Can Share with You

Okay, so here are the beginnings of our little road trip this past week. More will be edited in the near future (once I have time to sit and think about it a little more). This is by no means a complete list, as you can see. . .

Ready???

SUNDAY (11 July):

Church
Finished packing
Watched the end of the World Cup Final (GO SPAIN!)
Drove to St. George
Visited John (in St. G for his birthday from WA)
Had dinner (sort of) with Nick
Tried to find a bank for roommate but ended up getting a little lost and wound up at Dixie Rock. . . with Nick. Not sure how that happened actually.
Climbed the red rocks in flip flops - not as bad as you'd think
Hung head over edge of rocks because, "It looks like the ocean upside down." Fun, yet terrifying actually. And it did kind of look like the ocean. Gotta find your ways in a land locked state I suppose
Watched the sunset overlooking the St. George temple.
Finally drove to Las Vegas
Talked a bit with my mom while being maliciously attacked by her new kitten
Tried on a dress I got for Christmas for my roommates
Visited with Mike
Went to sleep

MONDAY:

Wake up, Lauren attacked by Mom's newest demon cat
Drive to the Strip
Got a little lost behind the MGM, but got directions from a nice man on a cart
Were disappointed to find the tigers were not on display yet. . .
Ran into Spongebob, who groped Ashley
Went to M&M World!
(Lauren's skirt kept blowing up, so I helped her out a bit)
Drove to the Hoover Dam and had a dam-good time (and a little sunburned)
Made wishes (I shared with Lauren) and threw coins into the dam
Stopped in Primm to find Bonnie & Clyde death car - fail.
Stopped in Baker City on the way to Rancho Cucamonga/Alta Loma (Nexie, the GPS, still hasn't figured out exactly which city my aunt and uncle live in)
Finally went into Alien Fresh Jerkey (mmm. . . good stuff)
Took pictures with Big Boy
Saw the World's Largest Thermometer at 105 degrees!!! It was hot.
Chilled in LA - dinner at Tito's Tacos (Ashley squealed like a little school girl)
Jim Henderson Studios with Kermit on the roof

Got . . . not lost . . . hmm . . . adventurous in the Hollywood Hills and found Hollywood sign. Nexie got us pretty close.
Stayed overnight with Uncle Richard and Aunt Cynthia

Quotes:
"That's a nice Lexus" (Lauren)
"I think we should mess it up" (Kayla)
"I prefer to keep the car in working condition" (Ashley)
"Not with the car!" (Kayla)
"With what?" (Lauren)
"My body" (Kayla)

"Will you do my hair tomorrow?" (Lauren)
"Yeah. Do you want me to do double pigtails?" (Kayla)
"So. . . you mean you're going to give me four pigtails?" (Lauren)
"Not pigtails. I meant double French braids." (Kayla)

TUESDAY:

Up at the crack of dawn to go to DISNEYLAND!!!
Dog ate my shoe
Had to go to Target to get new sandals (for the beach, etc.)
DISNEYLAND (for 15 hours)
Drove back to Richard and Cynthia's exhausted at about half past midnight

Quotes:

"If you push on the doors, something magical will happen. You will find yourself. . . outside!"

"This way to happiness."


WEDNESDAY:

The beginning of our drive up the coast - Highway 1 - Pacific Coast Highway
First stop: Zuma Beach
Almost didn't get in because the road was flooded, but we drove through anyway.
Big truck hit us trying to pass as two lanes merged into one. Only cracked the framing and took off some paint of the driver's side mirror. His back left side got a little more beat up than that. Ha. I mean, sad, but that's kind of what you get when you're being a jerk driver. He sped off for a while and finally pulled over to get insurance info once he noticed damage to his car.
Stop in Solvang. Solvang: A Baltic-looking little town with little Baltic shops and a windmill.
Ostrich land. Fed demon ostriches. Saw demon Emus. And baby ostriches, which were not quite demonic yet. In fact, they were quite cute.
Bubblegum Alley. Gross.
Found a motel in San Simeon. Had to change to a new room because of a lovely little surprise left in the bathroom for us. One of the most rancid things I've smelled in a while.
Dinner in Cambria. Had to settle for a little pizza place because everything else closed down at 9. We were a bit tired and bitter, but happy to finally eat again.

Quotes:

"Next time we do something romantic, we should bring men." (Ashley? Maybe Lauren)
"The problem with us is that we don't realize we're in the midst of a romantic activity until, well, we're in the midst of a romantic activity." (Kayla)

THURSDAY:

Hearst Castle tour. Lauren tripped on and ripped the "special tour carpet" but it was fixable thanks to duct tape and my foot. No one knew. . .
Stopped to see the elephant seals. Learned a lot about them from the preserve guy. Asked him to take a picture of us. He missed our faces. I guess digital is a little difficult once you reach a certain age. Or he's just a perv.
Stopped in Ragged Rock. Beautiful!
Stopped on Carmel beach to collect "sand" for Scotty's boss who is overly obsessed with Carmel.
Monterey beach.
Dennis the Menace park/statue
Fisherman's Wharf
Sea Lions (lots of pups) and finally finding out what that smell was. You don't want to know. Informed lots of other tourist about the sea lions - recently acquired information mind you.

FRIDAY:

San Francisco.
Stayed with Ashley and Lauren's friend and his roommates. Very nice of them.
Lombard Street - so much fun!
Fisherman's Wharf
More sea lions (which we loved!)
Vintage game arcade that gave me the serious creeps.
Ghiradelli Square (ice cream and chocolate! Yum!)
Golden Gate Bridge - over, under, around, and. . . not through.
Out of the Closet thrift shop = best thrift shop ever.
Burma Superstar - best dinner ever. Try the Rainbow Salad. It has a kick, and it's fantastic. Oh, and the curried lamb with coconut rice. And the mango chicken. It was all delicious.
Probably spent more money on food than anything else this week. Worth it? Yes.

Quotes:

"Sometimes I think I smell seaweed. . . not seaweed, seal pee." (Lauren)

SATURDAY:

Started home
Stopped in Lafayette to see the Iraq War Memorial. Simple, but powerful.
Jelly Belly Factory - 6 lbs of Belly Flops. Mmm.
Finally found the Bonnie and Clyde death car in Reno. Good thing we were going that way, but it wasn't where they told us (or where other signs said) it would be. Lucky us!
Didn't see the Salt Lake, but you sure could smell it.
Made it home about 2am.

Quotes:

"Wait, what is this? Where are we?"
"The Jelly Belly Factory."
"Holy Hell!"



Other quotes from this trip that I can't remember when they occurred:

"Oh! There's another black man. Only. . . smaller, and taller. So basically they are the same."

(Ashley while driving) "Will you scratch my back?"
"Really?" (Lauren in the back seat)
"It's what my sauce says. . ." (Ashley)

"I don't like the way he holds his face."

"You have a bladder the size of an acorn!"

I Made It This Far Now and I'm Not Burning Out

Let me start with my last week at EFY. We'll chat about my fabulous vacation in a different post.

This last week, by far, was the hardest. My girls, again, were great. My boys, well, I had a little more difficulty connecting with them. I'm amazed that no matter how stupid they were acting at the time, or how rude they were, or how much I felt like screaming at them (which I only had to do in extreme cases and hated it even then), I still loved them so much. I wish I could show them their potential. But I could only tell them what I saw. Each boy on their own was great. Together. . . that's a different story. But they did throw around a football with me occasionally, which I enjoyed greatly. And, they, as a team, came up with a pretty bomb cheer. It was frustrating, annoying, and irksome at times, but exhilerating and full of life lessons.


At the beginning of the week I felt so distant from the Spirit. I think it showed too, unintentionally. I didn't feel burned out. I don't know what was going on. But by Monday night I knew I needed to change something. I tried so hard and by Tuesday I felt like I was back in the swing of it. Even if my youth didn't all the time, I felt the Spirit the rest of the week, which was refreshing compared to Monday. Friday was a disaster. Scotty (my fabulous co) and I had to drag the Spirit into devotional that night. There was hesitation, because, as we all know, if you don't want the Spirit there, it doesn't want to be there either. Despite the mess, I had a few quiet moments on hall/bathroom/stair duty, sitting next to the garbage can where I felt more peace than I have for what seems like eternity. Honestly, next to the bathroom and a garbage can? The Lord works in mysterious ways, but I'll take it. (One last little shout-out: Scotty was such a God-send. It was a little rough at first, but I feel like we really got to know one another and, boy, that kid is hilarious!)

I even had a bit of an epiphany this EFY week. I thought to myself, "I really want to do EFY again next year." Then the thought came, "If I'm at EFY again, that means I'll be single, for another year." Panic set in ever so slightly. Well, perhaps more than slightly. Remember now that I am very much content with my current situation, but am not looking to be single forever. I had another moment where I felt like perhaps I was too complacent in my dating life. My, practically non-existent, dating life. And here was the epiphany: If I don't plan on being single forever, I darn well better do something about it. Logical, yes? So, seeing as stupidity runs somewhere along the lines of coming to the same conclusion without acting upon it, I decided to act, and not be an idiot. I decided to muster up all the nerve I had and ask a guy out. Not just any guy. I won't go into that. But I do find him fairly attractive in many respects. And after an exchange, he turns it around to ask me out. Perhaps he's old-fashioned. I don't know. I'm sure he has his reasons, but nonetheless, we had a date. And it was some of the most fun I've had in a very long time. Not to mention my first date in months. (Recall my almost non-existent dating life.) So that was me taking action. Will it happen again? I cannot say.

No matter what happens, I'm ready for another week at EFY. I can't believe three have come and gone already. This week I change teams for good and this particular week I work the ASL session. I am so excited and am really looking forward to working with some people I've met this summer.

. . . I'm probably going to get some sleep now and work on my vacation post tomorrow. (Pictures coming soon too. . . we've been having technical difficulties.)

Singin' the Same Lines All Over Again

Perhaps not identical, but almost the same lines.

I cannot truly express how much I love EFY. I'll admit, the beginning of the week was a struggle and I put on a good face to hide my fear of 16-18 year olds. I was terrified of them. How they would see me. If I would be able to teach them. If I could connect. That fear, like most fears, became a huge burden. I tried so hard and felt like I was doing my best, but also tried to avoid diving in because I wasn't sure what the water below held in store for me. Lousy excuse, I know. While I don't feel I connected to my girls as well this week right off the bat, it week ended so strong and I feel like I was able to develop a relationship and connection with most of them.

Miraculously (literally a miracle) I memorized all my company's names within day 1. Granted there were only 18 of us, which is much easier than the 28 from last week, I still did it. I'm not the best with names and faces. Especially when you have a Meg, Megan and Madi in the mix. Yeah. It wasn't as hard as I thought. But I'm absolutely certain I had nothing to do with it outside of making the effort. One of those "all the Lord" moments. I'm so glad I got their names so quickly. It made the rest of the week, and getting to know the boys much easier.

I feel like last week was such a piece of cake compared to this week. The youth were no more or less participatory or enthusiastic with the program. This week there were a few in my company that were struggling with serious issues back home. Not sin-type things. Just problems. That happens when you're that age. And I think it has a lot to do with how involved you are in your family as a key player. There's a difference between 15 and 16. At 15, you still rely heavily on your parents and family. At 16, you begin to gain independence and added responsibility because you can (supposedly) drive and date. There's a different sense on the actuality of life and family versus what your family is trying to portray. It makes 16-18 a lot more difficult. Even more so if you're the oldest child. But there were some great experiences with these kids.

Again, I'm amazed at the strength these youth have. They are faced with so many challenges, and yet they choose righteousness. They choose the Savior. I know I'm not that much older than them. Their challenges are different that most of what my generation (I'm not even that's the right term to use) faced. My challenges were very different that what most of my generation faced. I'm even more grateful for those challenges because I think I may be able to relate to these youth better that I would have without those trials.

The Lord always seems to know where we need to be and how to fill our needs. What am I saying. "Seems to know"? . . . no. He knows. I am grateful for the testimony-building and life-changing experience that is EFY. It has helped me become better and desire to do more for others than I could on my own. I plan to continue doing the things that have helped me feel the Spirit in greater abundance. I feel like I've needed to stretch myself and make more time for the most important things. I will make that time when real life starts up again. That is my commitment to myself.

I Need[ed] to Feel the Fire Again

Have you ever had one of those moments where you look back and think, "Ahh . . . I really needed that"? This was last week for me. Though I returned to my apartment desperately desiring to do laundry, take a shower, and longing for a good nap, I also returned completely refreshed.

There have been a few moments here and there since my mission that I have felt completely overwhelmed and excited by the Spirit at something that was happening right there and then in my life. Those moments seemed to slip away all too quickly. I just couldn't get a good grasp on that feeling to hold it close forever. I'm not sure it's a feeling that's supposed to be maintained. This is not to say I don't feel the Spirit in my life frequently or even constantly. This is a different feeling. I usually feel the Spirit. I know when to do certain things and when to avoid others through promptings. At least those that I need a little extra help. You know, the whole being proactive in the gospel thing. Again, I've had some wonderful missionary experiences since my mission. I've never really been afraid to share my testimony. . . now that I have one. But this is different. This past week I have had the opportunity to BE a missionary again. Essentially.

So here I am at EFY. Here's how this works: You have a group of youth. You lead by example. You teach them gospel principles. You help them learn to study the scriptures, pray, and develop their own testimonies. You love them.
Sound even slightly familiar? The best part is that you get them 24/7 for an entire week. The worst part is that, after you put all your whole heart and soul into them, after you testify your guts out and do all you can to invite the Spirit, they have to leave. But you let them leave. You do so hoping they can remember, praying for them, and grateful for that one week you had with them.

I absolutely fell in love with my kids last week. It really was like a family to me. My co-counselors were better than I could have hoped to imagine. With my dysfunctional family it's nice, perhaps overwhelmingly wonderful, to feel like an important part of something again. I had that feeling on my mission. A handful of times in my family. Even less in other areas of my life. And while I don't think it's absolutely necessary to feel that feeling of importance outside the gospel plan, it sure is nice. Some people need because of their personalities. Perhaps I'm one of those people. I just love to feel wanted and needed by those around me (for the sake of wanting me around, not for life's sake. If you MUST have me near otherwise you cannot live, well, you have bigger fish to fry, and I don't want to be the one to fry them). I don't need it all the time, but it's a nice little reminder that you do matter to those around you. . . . I digress.

I can't say enough about how much the youth today amaze me. I have experienced actual awe in the past week and a half with my two different companies. It gives me such hope for the future in so many ways. For the world. For this nation. For the Church. For my own family. I love children and want so badly to be a mother some day. I'm terrified. One, because I don't know how that will happen. (Trust me, this concern is fairly legitimate.) And two, because I've never seen real parenting from a mother in my home. Remember: Dysfunctional. I'm concerned I'll screw up my kids. But concern number 2 has resolved quite a bit. I've been able to work fairly well with these youth. This gives me confidence that I might not screw up my kids irreparably. I knew before that no matter what happens in my life, my Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Spirit are always there to lead and guide me in the way I should go. That includes parenting. Definitely. There's no doubt there. But it's a matter of me just not screwing them up. I'm pretty good at messing up the simplest things sometimes, and kids are not simple. Not always.

So this week I have felt relief from a lot of pains in my world, hope for my future, joy at the light these youth have developed or acquired, and a confirmation of my personal faith and testimony. There have been other pains and sorrows. Other concerns. Of course. But the prominent feeling was love and hope.

I am so excited for my next few weeks of EFY. It will be challenging. But it will be worth it. No doubt about it.

Much Like Falling

It took me a few days to figure it out, but I discovered that for the past while I've been in quite a funk. Again. The good news is that school is almost over for me for the year. I have one final left on Wednesday and a 20-page essay on pharmaceutical abuse due Thursday. Then I'm done and it's off to EFY. The term has flown by so quickly, and thank goodness too. Last week I started to panic because the end was closing in so soon and there will still SO many things to finish. Then, one by one, I started to get things done . . . at the expense of a clean bedroom. The end became far less daunting at the end of last week. But still, I've noticed myself pushing people away again. I want to be near them, but not too close. I want them at my comfort level. Not theirs. Not really willing to reach a happy medium either. It got pretty bad, and then I wrapped myself in a book of my own choice finally . . . not school's. I forgot my world and absorbed The Hunger Games, which was fabulous. Both of them. Until I was finished and once again found myself in a funk, not wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be near anyone either. Not knowing what to do. Not wanting to do anything but cry. Then my dad's Father's Day gift came in the mail and it clicked. That's probably a reason why I've been in a funk the past while. My dad is officially in Kansas. He's going to be back in Vegas occasionally, but since I'll be working EFY, I won't see him any of the weekends he'll be home this summer. Unless, by chance, he comes up here for Education Week, but that's unlikely since he just started a new job and, knowing my dad, won't want to take that much time off. It's for the best. I know. But I can't help but be saddened by the idea of not seeing my dad for so long. Yes, it's obvious I'm a daddy's girl. For good reason too. But that doesn't really matter. I'm here alone. My sisters are lucky. They have their own families to take care of. I don't. I'm sure eventually it will all settle and I'll be functional without being overly funk-tional. Ha. Get it? It might take a while. It will probably last until Father's Day. At least, I wouldn't be surprised if it did. But I'll try to work my way out of it before then. That's the goal at least. After that, I'll have EFY to occupy my mind and energies. And I'll be forced to be up all the time. Thank goodness for EFY.

The other good news. Despite my world being flipped and tossed around this term, I may get lucky and pull out A's from all 5 of my classes. I'm not sure about my advanced writing course because there hasn't been much feedback generally. The other 4 I'm fairly certain I have an A. It's possible one could be an A-. Either way, I'm glad I didn't get too distracted, being the only one of my roommates taking classes this term, from pretty much everything that really would have pulled me out of focus. I'm considering this a tender mercy for sure.

When Change and Tears Are Past

He's not even gone yet and I already miss my dad. That's really what this is all about. He was the only person in my life for so long, and the only person whose love I never, in my entire life, doubted. Yes, we've spent long distances and durations apart. My mission is one instance. Another was back in high school. His company shut down the office he was managing and he found another job in northern Cali. It was just the two of us by that time and I didn't really want to move. I was about to be a junior and was already on school #6. My school had Emmy award winning music programs and I didn't think I could leave that behind. I'm not that great at making new friends either. I think that was my greatest fear. I was still in the process of finding me and wasn't willing to start the whole process over again in a new state and school. So I moved in with a friend of mine for my junior year, and then with my sister (who moved back to the area) for my senior year. It was hard for me back then too. Days and weeks would go by where I just wished I could see and hug my dad. That was probably the most depressing time of my life.

There is very little difference in this situation compared to when I was 16. One, I'm older. I suppose I'm an adult now and have pretty much been living on my own for the past 8 years of my life. I'm just so used to being able to take a weekend and go home when I felt like I needed a dad fix. I can't do that anymore. It takes an entire day of driving to get to Kansas. There's no way I'll ever have that kind of time.

Two, I'm slightly more emotionally stable. Slightly.

Three, my testimony was not what it is now. Honestly, I didn't have much of a testimony at all at 16. I just did what I knew I was supposed to and everything was okay. I was 20 when I really started to feel like my prayers were being answered. That was when I first knew that I was a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. Strange how I always knew my earthly father loved me, but never recognized that as being part of my Heavenly Father's love for me. I'm grateful that I know it now. And while I really don't have the words to express my angst, I know the Lord knows my heart. I thought of just a couple scriptures earlier today that always seem to help.

1. Alma 7: 11-13. Particularly, "Now the Spirit knoweth all things..."

2. Romans 8: 26. "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered."

While I do not have the words, this is where the Spirit comes to the rescue. I am grateful to finally know my Heavenly Father who fills the voids in my heart when it feels barren. Who always has a shoulder upon which to cry when none is near. Who knows the innermost desires of my soul even when I don't. Whose desire it is for me to be happy when I feel it's impossible. Who strengthens my weary heart as it breaks. Who makes it possible, through His son, for me to have hope when it's hardest to find. And who gave me my family in the first place.

I don't know the next time I'll be able to see my dad, but I'm glad he's my dad. And I will miss him.