I Need[ed] to Feel the Fire Again

Have you ever had one of those moments where you look back and think, "Ahh . . . I really needed that"? This was last week for me. Though I returned to my apartment desperately desiring to do laundry, take a shower, and longing for a good nap, I also returned completely refreshed.

There have been a few moments here and there since my mission that I have felt completely overwhelmed and excited by the Spirit at something that was happening right there and then in my life. Those moments seemed to slip away all too quickly. I just couldn't get a good grasp on that feeling to hold it close forever. I'm not sure it's a feeling that's supposed to be maintained. This is not to say I don't feel the Spirit in my life frequently or even constantly. This is a different feeling. I usually feel the Spirit. I know when to do certain things and when to avoid others through promptings. At least those that I need a little extra help. You know, the whole being proactive in the gospel thing. Again, I've had some wonderful missionary experiences since my mission. I've never really been afraid to share my testimony. . . now that I have one. But this is different. This past week I have had the opportunity to BE a missionary again. Essentially.

So here I am at EFY. Here's how this works: You have a group of youth. You lead by example. You teach them gospel principles. You help them learn to study the scriptures, pray, and develop their own testimonies. You love them.
Sound even slightly familiar? The best part is that you get them 24/7 for an entire week. The worst part is that, after you put all your whole heart and soul into them, after you testify your guts out and do all you can to invite the Spirit, they have to leave. But you let them leave. You do so hoping they can remember, praying for them, and grateful for that one week you had with them.

I absolutely fell in love with my kids last week. It really was like a family to me. My co-counselors were better than I could have hoped to imagine. With my dysfunctional family it's nice, perhaps overwhelmingly wonderful, to feel like an important part of something again. I had that feeling on my mission. A handful of times in my family. Even less in other areas of my life. And while I don't think it's absolutely necessary to feel that feeling of importance outside the gospel plan, it sure is nice. Some people need because of their personalities. Perhaps I'm one of those people. I just love to feel wanted and needed by those around me (for the sake of wanting me around, not for life's sake. If you MUST have me near otherwise you cannot live, well, you have bigger fish to fry, and I don't want to be the one to fry them). I don't need it all the time, but it's a nice little reminder that you do matter to those around you. . . . I digress.

I can't say enough about how much the youth today amaze me. I have experienced actual awe in the past week and a half with my two different companies. It gives me such hope for the future in so many ways. For the world. For this nation. For the Church. For my own family. I love children and want so badly to be a mother some day. I'm terrified. One, because I don't know how that will happen. (Trust me, this concern is fairly legitimate.) And two, because I've never seen real parenting from a mother in my home. Remember: Dysfunctional. I'm concerned I'll screw up my kids. But concern number 2 has resolved quite a bit. I've been able to work fairly well with these youth. This gives me confidence that I might not screw up my kids irreparably. I knew before that no matter what happens in my life, my Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Spirit are always there to lead and guide me in the way I should go. That includes parenting. Definitely. There's no doubt there. But it's a matter of me just not screwing them up. I'm pretty good at messing up the simplest things sometimes, and kids are not simple. Not always.

So this week I have felt relief from a lot of pains in my world, hope for my future, joy at the light these youth have developed or acquired, and a confirmation of my personal faith and testimony. There have been other pains and sorrows. Other concerns. Of course. But the prominent feeling was love and hope.

I am so excited for my next few weeks of EFY. It will be challenging. But it will be worth it. No doubt about it.