When Change and Tears Are Past

He's not even gone yet and I already miss my dad. That's really what this is all about. He was the only person in my life for so long, and the only person whose love I never, in my entire life, doubted. Yes, we've spent long distances and durations apart. My mission is one instance. Another was back in high school. His company shut down the office he was managing and he found another job in northern Cali. It was just the two of us by that time and I didn't really want to move. I was about to be a junior and was already on school #6. My school had Emmy award winning music programs and I didn't think I could leave that behind. I'm not that great at making new friends either. I think that was my greatest fear. I was still in the process of finding me and wasn't willing to start the whole process over again in a new state and school. So I moved in with a friend of mine for my junior year, and then with my sister (who moved back to the area) for my senior year. It was hard for me back then too. Days and weeks would go by where I just wished I could see and hug my dad. That was probably the most depressing time of my life.

There is very little difference in this situation compared to when I was 16. One, I'm older. I suppose I'm an adult now and have pretty much been living on my own for the past 8 years of my life. I'm just so used to being able to take a weekend and go home when I felt like I needed a dad fix. I can't do that anymore. It takes an entire day of driving to get to Kansas. There's no way I'll ever have that kind of time.

Two, I'm slightly more emotionally stable. Slightly.

Three, my testimony was not what it is now. Honestly, I didn't have much of a testimony at all at 16. I just did what I knew I was supposed to and everything was okay. I was 20 when I really started to feel like my prayers were being answered. That was when I first knew that I was a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. Strange how I always knew my earthly father loved me, but never recognized that as being part of my Heavenly Father's love for me. I'm grateful that I know it now. And while I really don't have the words to express my angst, I know the Lord knows my heart. I thought of just a couple scriptures earlier today that always seem to help.

1. Alma 7: 11-13. Particularly, "Now the Spirit knoweth all things..."

2. Romans 8: 26. "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered."

While I do not have the words, this is where the Spirit comes to the rescue. I am grateful to finally know my Heavenly Father who fills the voids in my heart when it feels barren. Who always has a shoulder upon which to cry when none is near. Who knows the innermost desires of my soul even when I don't. Whose desire it is for me to be happy when I feel it's impossible. Who strengthens my weary heart as it breaks. Who makes it possible, through His son, for me to have hope when it's hardest to find. And who gave me my family in the first place.

I don't know the next time I'll be able to see my dad, but I'm glad he's my dad. And I will miss him.