See I'm Trying to Find My Place and It Might Not Be Here Where I Feel Safe

I haven't posted in a couple weeks. I'm sorry. I'm not going to try to give you all my excuses, but let's just say I've been extremely busy and posting is the last thing I had on my mind. School has been crazy, and while there has been a lot of chaos, there have been a ton of things to cause me to rejoice. Last weekend my roommates threw me a wonderful birthday party. So many people came and it made me feel so good to realize how many friends I actually have. My friend, Nick, came all the way up from St. George to visit me (well, his family in SLC too). I was so shocked. I'm glad he came. Not that we've ever had any problems, but we had an opportunity to clear some things up that make me feel better about our relationship (and my future relationships with men).

Okay, boys are another issue. I've had a small handful coming after me lately and I just don't know what to do about it. I have realized that I'm definitely not capable of being in an actual relationship. I was kind of hoping I would be. I feel too broken still. Not because of Eddie, mind you. I'm over him. I've always had this fear of abandonment. This and my lack of social understanding has proved me a key target for heartbreak and being taken advantage of. I don't think all men are out to hurt me. In fact, I know they're not. I think I'm just especially susceptible. The problem is sometimes I let it happen. For no reason other than I just want to feel close to someone (natural, yes?) and I don't know how all this is really supposed to work. Luckily, I have changed a lot in the past several years and I'm no longer dating dirt bags who are only out to get what they want without consideration for how it may affect me. (No, I never did anything really stupid, luckily.) Now I just let them into my heart, let them play with it and when they're done ripping it to shreds, walk away. When it comes to the boys pursuing me, I let them come for a while, freak out, and run away... very quickly, and tend to leave them heartbroken. Sometimes I'm willing to see where it may lead. Then run away. I don't think it's wrong to be afraid. And I feel like the right person for me is the one who I will not be afraid with. I might not know it right away, but I'm pretty sure I'll know when I feel safe, confident, loved, understood, and comfortable. I have only felt that once before, and not even in my own family. While I'm still terrified... and completely clueless, I'm confident that one day it will be my turn to find that someone. In the mean time, I can be happy knowing who I am and doing what makes me happy, feel safe, and confident, and discovering new things about the world.

In other good news, a couple my companion and I reactivated on our mission is having a baby. Finally! They have been married for 10 years and haven't been able to have children because of cancer. But now they're pregnant! What an incredible tender mercy of the Lord.

Lastly, school is almost over for the term. 2 more weeks and a ton of work to do. Then it's off to EFY. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I'm sure it will be great.

Well, I guess one last thing.

Remember when I mentioned that my dad got a job several weeks ago?

Yes, well, he's finally moving this week. Somehow someone convinced him to go the extra 3 hours out of his way to come visit us here in Utah on his way to Kansas. I'm happy to see my dad this week, but it's bittersweet knowing that he'll be so far away. When I go to Vegas he won't be there anymore. Our family has always had an interesting story. This is just another chapter to that story.

I realized again today that I've been alive longer than my parents have been married to each other.

Most kids can't say that when their parents are currently married. I'm praying that this doesn't tear us apart. We've come so far in the past 4 years. I can't deny I'm scared. No, scared is too mild a word. I don't know how to describe it. My dad and I have always been pretty close. I'm the youngest in the family and the only one (minus my oldest brother who doesn't want them) without kids or their own family to care for. I love my dad very much and it's going to be very difficult for him to be so far away. I will miss him. At least he has a job again though. I'm grateful for that.

Oh, the last little bit of news: before I went south for my birthday I had lost 9 of the 10 lbs I wanted to lose before my birthday. After that weekend, I gained 7 of them back. Sick, right? We ate really good food though... no excuse. I know. But I've decided I need something more to work toward, so I signed up for a 5k this weekend. Crazy. I am not a runner. By any means. But for the past week or so I've started to add running to my normal exercise routine again. And I'm back to -8 lbs. Two more till my 10 lb mark and another 15 after that to really hit my goal. I'm hoping to get that done by the end of the summer... or sometime mid fall. Pray I don't die on this 5k!