I Need[ed] to Feel the Fire Again

Have you ever had one of those moments where you look back and think, "Ahh . . . I really needed that"? This was last week for me. Though I returned to my apartment desperately desiring to do laundry, take a shower, and longing for a good nap, I also returned completely refreshed.

There have been a few moments here and there since my mission that I have felt completely overwhelmed and excited by the Spirit at something that was happening right there and then in my life. Those moments seemed to slip away all too quickly. I just couldn't get a good grasp on that feeling to hold it close forever. I'm not sure it's a feeling that's supposed to be maintained. This is not to say I don't feel the Spirit in my life frequently or even constantly. This is a different feeling. I usually feel the Spirit. I know when to do certain things and when to avoid others through promptings. At least those that I need a little extra help. You know, the whole being proactive in the gospel thing. Again, I've had some wonderful missionary experiences since my mission. I've never really been afraid to share my testimony. . . now that I have one. But this is different. This past week I have had the opportunity to BE a missionary again. Essentially.

So here I am at EFY. Here's how this works: You have a group of youth. You lead by example. You teach them gospel principles. You help them learn to study the scriptures, pray, and develop their own testimonies. You love them.
Sound even slightly familiar? The best part is that you get them 24/7 for an entire week. The worst part is that, after you put all your whole heart and soul into them, after you testify your guts out and do all you can to invite the Spirit, they have to leave. But you let them leave. You do so hoping they can remember, praying for them, and grateful for that one week you had with them.

I absolutely fell in love with my kids last week. It really was like a family to me. My co-counselors were better than I could have hoped to imagine. With my dysfunctional family it's nice, perhaps overwhelmingly wonderful, to feel like an important part of something again. I had that feeling on my mission. A handful of times in my family. Even less in other areas of my life. And while I don't think it's absolutely necessary to feel that feeling of importance outside the gospel plan, it sure is nice. Some people need because of their personalities. Perhaps I'm one of those people. I just love to feel wanted and needed by those around me (for the sake of wanting me around, not for life's sake. If you MUST have me near otherwise you cannot live, well, you have bigger fish to fry, and I don't want to be the one to fry them). I don't need it all the time, but it's a nice little reminder that you do matter to those around you. . . . I digress.

I can't say enough about how much the youth today amaze me. I have experienced actual awe in the past week and a half with my two different companies. It gives me such hope for the future in so many ways. For the world. For this nation. For the Church. For my own family. I love children and want so badly to be a mother some day. I'm terrified. One, because I don't know how that will happen. (Trust me, this concern is fairly legitimate.) And two, because I've never seen real parenting from a mother in my home. Remember: Dysfunctional. I'm concerned I'll screw up my kids. But concern number 2 has resolved quite a bit. I've been able to work fairly well with these youth. This gives me confidence that I might not screw up my kids irreparably. I knew before that no matter what happens in my life, my Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Spirit are always there to lead and guide me in the way I should go. That includes parenting. Definitely. There's no doubt there. But it's a matter of me just not screwing them up. I'm pretty good at messing up the simplest things sometimes, and kids are not simple. Not always.

So this week I have felt relief from a lot of pains in my world, hope for my future, joy at the light these youth have developed or acquired, and a confirmation of my personal faith and testimony. There have been other pains and sorrows. Other concerns. Of course. But the prominent feeling was love and hope.

I am so excited for my next few weeks of EFY. It will be challenging. But it will be worth it. No doubt about it.

Much Like Falling

It took me a few days to figure it out, but I discovered that for the past while I've been in quite a funk. Again. The good news is that school is almost over for me for the year. I have one final left on Wednesday and a 20-page essay on pharmaceutical abuse due Thursday. Then I'm done and it's off to EFY. The term has flown by so quickly, and thank goodness too. Last week I started to panic because the end was closing in so soon and there will still SO many things to finish. Then, one by one, I started to get things done . . . at the expense of a clean bedroom. The end became far less daunting at the end of last week. But still, I've noticed myself pushing people away again. I want to be near them, but not too close. I want them at my comfort level. Not theirs. Not really willing to reach a happy medium either. It got pretty bad, and then I wrapped myself in a book of my own choice finally . . . not school's. I forgot my world and absorbed The Hunger Games, which was fabulous. Both of them. Until I was finished and once again found myself in a funk, not wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be near anyone either. Not knowing what to do. Not wanting to do anything but cry. Then my dad's Father's Day gift came in the mail and it clicked. That's probably a reason why I've been in a funk the past while. My dad is officially in Kansas. He's going to be back in Vegas occasionally, but since I'll be working EFY, I won't see him any of the weekends he'll be home this summer. Unless, by chance, he comes up here for Education Week, but that's unlikely since he just started a new job and, knowing my dad, won't want to take that much time off. It's for the best. I know. But I can't help but be saddened by the idea of not seeing my dad for so long. Yes, it's obvious I'm a daddy's girl. For good reason too. But that doesn't really matter. I'm here alone. My sisters are lucky. They have their own families to take care of. I don't. I'm sure eventually it will all settle and I'll be functional without being overly funk-tional. Ha. Get it? It might take a while. It will probably last until Father's Day. At least, I wouldn't be surprised if it did. But I'll try to work my way out of it before then. That's the goal at least. After that, I'll have EFY to occupy my mind and energies. And I'll be forced to be up all the time. Thank goodness for EFY.

The other good news. Despite my world being flipped and tossed around this term, I may get lucky and pull out A's from all 5 of my classes. I'm not sure about my advanced writing course because there hasn't been much feedback generally. The other 4 I'm fairly certain I have an A. It's possible one could be an A-. Either way, I'm glad I didn't get too distracted, being the only one of my roommates taking classes this term, from pretty much everything that really would have pulled me out of focus. I'm considering this a tender mercy for sure.

When Change and Tears Are Past

He's not even gone yet and I already miss my dad. That's really what this is all about. He was the only person in my life for so long, and the only person whose love I never, in my entire life, doubted. Yes, we've spent long distances and durations apart. My mission is one instance. Another was back in high school. His company shut down the office he was managing and he found another job in northern Cali. It was just the two of us by that time and I didn't really want to move. I was about to be a junior and was already on school #6. My school had Emmy award winning music programs and I didn't think I could leave that behind. I'm not that great at making new friends either. I think that was my greatest fear. I was still in the process of finding me and wasn't willing to start the whole process over again in a new state and school. So I moved in with a friend of mine for my junior year, and then with my sister (who moved back to the area) for my senior year. It was hard for me back then too. Days and weeks would go by where I just wished I could see and hug my dad. That was probably the most depressing time of my life.

There is very little difference in this situation compared to when I was 16. One, I'm older. I suppose I'm an adult now and have pretty much been living on my own for the past 8 years of my life. I'm just so used to being able to take a weekend and go home when I felt like I needed a dad fix. I can't do that anymore. It takes an entire day of driving to get to Kansas. There's no way I'll ever have that kind of time.

Two, I'm slightly more emotionally stable. Slightly.

Three, my testimony was not what it is now. Honestly, I didn't have much of a testimony at all at 16. I just did what I knew I was supposed to and everything was okay. I was 20 when I really started to feel like my prayers were being answered. That was when I first knew that I was a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. Strange how I always knew my earthly father loved me, but never recognized that as being part of my Heavenly Father's love for me. I'm grateful that I know it now. And while I really don't have the words to express my angst, I know the Lord knows my heart. I thought of just a couple scriptures earlier today that always seem to help.

1. Alma 7: 11-13. Particularly, "Now the Spirit knoweth all things..."

2. Romans 8: 26. "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered."

While I do not have the words, this is where the Spirit comes to the rescue. I am grateful to finally know my Heavenly Father who fills the voids in my heart when it feels barren. Who always has a shoulder upon which to cry when none is near. Who knows the innermost desires of my soul even when I don't. Whose desire it is for me to be happy when I feel it's impossible. Who strengthens my weary heart as it breaks. Who makes it possible, through His son, for me to have hope when it's hardest to find. And who gave me my family in the first place.

I don't know the next time I'll be able to see my dad, but I'm glad he's my dad. And I will miss him.

See I'm Trying to Find My Place and It Might Not Be Here Where I Feel Safe

I haven't posted in a couple weeks. I'm sorry. I'm not going to try to give you all my excuses, but let's just say I've been extremely busy and posting is the last thing I had on my mind. School has been crazy, and while there has been a lot of chaos, there have been a ton of things to cause me to rejoice. Last weekend my roommates threw me a wonderful birthday party. So many people came and it made me feel so good to realize how many friends I actually have. My friend, Nick, came all the way up from St. George to visit me (well, his family in SLC too). I was so shocked. I'm glad he came. Not that we've ever had any problems, but we had an opportunity to clear some things up that make me feel better about our relationship (and my future relationships with men).

Okay, boys are another issue. I've had a small handful coming after me lately and I just don't know what to do about it. I have realized that I'm definitely not capable of being in an actual relationship. I was kind of hoping I would be. I feel too broken still. Not because of Eddie, mind you. I'm over him. I've always had this fear of abandonment. This and my lack of social understanding has proved me a key target for heartbreak and being taken advantage of. I don't think all men are out to hurt me. In fact, I know they're not. I think I'm just especially susceptible. The problem is sometimes I let it happen. For no reason other than I just want to feel close to someone (natural, yes?) and I don't know how all this is really supposed to work. Luckily, I have changed a lot in the past several years and I'm no longer dating dirt bags who are only out to get what they want without consideration for how it may affect me. (No, I never did anything really stupid, luckily.) Now I just let them into my heart, let them play with it and when they're done ripping it to shreds, walk away. When it comes to the boys pursuing me, I let them come for a while, freak out, and run away... very quickly, and tend to leave them heartbroken. Sometimes I'm willing to see where it may lead. Then run away. I don't think it's wrong to be afraid. And I feel like the right person for me is the one who I will not be afraid with. I might not know it right away, but I'm pretty sure I'll know when I feel safe, confident, loved, understood, and comfortable. I have only felt that once before, and not even in my own family. While I'm still terrified... and completely clueless, I'm confident that one day it will be my turn to find that someone. In the mean time, I can be happy knowing who I am and doing what makes me happy, feel safe, and confident, and discovering new things about the world.

In other good news, a couple my companion and I reactivated on our mission is having a baby. Finally! They have been married for 10 years and haven't been able to have children because of cancer. But now they're pregnant! What an incredible tender mercy of the Lord.

Lastly, school is almost over for the term. 2 more weeks and a ton of work to do. Then it's off to EFY. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I'm sure it will be great.

Well, I guess one last thing.

Remember when I mentioned that my dad got a job several weeks ago?

Yes, well, he's finally moving this week. Somehow someone convinced him to go the extra 3 hours out of his way to come visit us here in Utah on his way to Kansas. I'm happy to see my dad this week, but it's bittersweet knowing that he'll be so far away. When I go to Vegas he won't be there anymore. Our family has always had an interesting story. This is just another chapter to that story.

I realized again today that I've been alive longer than my parents have been married to each other.

Most kids can't say that when their parents are currently married. I'm praying that this doesn't tear us apart. We've come so far in the past 4 years. I can't deny I'm scared. No, scared is too mild a word. I don't know how to describe it. My dad and I have always been pretty close. I'm the youngest in the family and the only one (minus my oldest brother who doesn't want them) without kids or their own family to care for. I love my dad very much and it's going to be very difficult for him to be so far away. I will miss him. At least he has a job again though. I'm grateful for that.

Oh, the last little bit of news: before I went south for my birthday I had lost 9 of the 10 lbs I wanted to lose before my birthday. After that weekend, I gained 7 of them back. Sick, right? We ate really good food though... no excuse. I know. But I've decided I need something more to work toward, so I signed up for a 5k this weekend. Crazy. I am not a runner. By any means. But for the past week or so I've started to add running to my normal exercise routine again. And I'm back to -8 lbs. Two more till my 10 lb mark and another 15 after that to really hit my goal. I'm hoping to get that done by the end of the summer... or sometime mid fall. Pray I don't die on this 5k!

One Year Older and Wiser Too (perhaps)

Well, I survived another year. Good for me. Now I'm another year older. This past year has taught me quite a bit. I won't go into that now, but I'm sure some of you are interested in how this year's birthday festivities have gone off. I'm happy to oblige you.

Celebrations started quite early. At least much earlier than usual. Some celebrate the week or even the entire month of their birth. I've never really had that privilege. This year came close. I decided to go home for my birthday this year. Yes, I was home just a few weeks ago, but I didn't have time to run to the DMV then, and my drivers license expired yesterday... so I kind of had to go this weekend also. This meant I wasn't going to be in Provo to celebrate with all my friends. Sad day. Nate asked me if we could have dinner for my birthday on Thursday before I left. He still hadn't used his service auction winnings of a free steak dinner with the Reeses (Bro. Reese is in the bishopric). So I was invited to escort him and it was delicious. He even brought me flowers. Very sweet, right?

Friday I was driving home and another friend from the ward asked me to lunch before I left. So we went to Red Robin... again, very good. And then I headed home. I made really good time this go around. Only 5 1/4 hours!

Early Saturday morning I woke up to run to the DMV. And by early, I mean I woke up at 6:30 and left by 7:15 because the DMV opens at 8. When I arrived at 7:30 there was already a line of, I'm guessing, 120+ people. Crazy Vegas people. Luckily the DMV decided to open its doors early and we got a good head start. Since when does anything government operated EVER open early or make things convenient? I think they knew it was my birthday. And aside from the lady taking my picture yelling at me to lower my chin more (because I wanted to avoid the triple chin look), the experience was quite pleasant. Strange word to describe the DMV, I know, but it's true. It only took a little over an hour, I didn't have to take any tests, I had all my paperwork prepared beforehand, and the last guy I worked with was hysterical. I was there an extra 15 minutes just talking to him because he was so funny! Yeah, we were also talking about the mean picture lady. I'm sure when I get my license I will look petrified in the picture. Oh well. I left smiling, and very amused at the snack bar in the DMV (another interesting feature, I think), with everyone in the snack bar line looking at me like I was insane for enjoying my experience. They were obviously less pleased than myself.

Upon returning home, my mom and I went to hand out more "Missing Cat" flyers. She is quite distressed about our missing Bentley. She ran away almost two weeks ago and there has been no sign of her.

As part of my birthday gift, my mom treated me to a pedicure. This is something we like to do together, but there was only one opening, so she let me take it. And it was with the lady my mom always gets because she likes her so much. Toward the end of my pedicure, a 60 year old man, it also being his birthday, come in for a pedicure. We start talking (because I do that sometimes) and as he came to sit in the chair next to me, walks over to give me a birthday kiss. Special. Fortunately, I'm no stranger to strangers kissing me. I did date a Latino. (Counting my blessings here!) It was kind of creepy, and I'm glad it was just on the cheek. Whew!

We came back and promptly left to go scrapbooking. A monthly outing we enjoy. And following this endeavor, we headed to dinner with the whole Vegas crew. Mmmm.... Buca di Beppo is really one of my favorite places. The food (lots of food this week... it's how we celebrate) is so good you never want to stop eating it. I'm on their email list, and for my birthday they sent me a coupon for free dessert. I ordered the Colossal Brownie Sundae thinking it should be just large enough for the 9 of us to have a few bites each. Oh no... when they say colossal, they mean it. They bring out this sundae that, I kid you not, is about the size of my HEAD! My eyes just about bugged out of that head. Well, everyone, including the kids, got more than just a couple bites each. Their brownies are made fresh every morning, and with chocolate and vanilla gelato... yum. I'm still blown away by how huge this thing was. So remember kids, when you want a big dessert, go to Bucca di Beppo and get their colossal sundae.

To end the day (after a few hours of child-watching and hanging out with my sister) I went to visit Mike in the city. He just moved into a new apartment and invited people over to see it. Okay, call it a party if you wish. Most of us were Mormon. All except for a married couple. After most everyone had left, they started asking questions about us and our faith. It was amazing! I haven't had a missionary experience like this since my mission and I've been looking forward to an unplanned opportunity like this for a long time. They're even looking forward to visiting church one Sunday. It's so exciting to me. Granted, I didn't get back to my house until about 3am, but it was definitely worth it. What a great way to end your birthday celebration!

This has been just about the best birthday I can remember. Thank you to everyone who participated in person or in spirit. I had a blast!

Earth With Her Ten Thousand Flowers

How can you deny the beauty of this? And really, there are many, many more than 10 thousand flowers at the tulip festival. I think it's more like a quarter of a million tulips. Something like that. It doesn't really matter though, because it was beautiful. The tulips above were probably some of my favorite, however, there were others that were just as lovely. Granted, tulips are not my favorite flowers, there are high up on the list, and how can you deny such glorious scenery as this:

I mean, really. It's too beautiful to describe in words. Thus, my gratitude that I brought my camera with me, that it had batteries, they died at the end of the gardens, and when the batteries did die, I had my phone to take last-minutes photos.

Picture from our wonderful tour guide.

I don't know why I have nothing with her in it, because she was amazing, but I guess that's how that works sometimes. Any who, this was my second date with Nate. I'm kind of surprised he wanted a second. (They usually don't... at least not in my experience.) But it was great. Nice, relaxed and no pressure. The best part is that I don't feel like he expects anything from me, at least not more than I'm capable of. I think this may be a first. Crazy, right? Why would I even consider dating guys who wanted me to be different or do crazy things I just didn't want to? Well, that's a long story I don't really want to get into here and now. Suffice it to say I once had no concept of self-worth and men took advantage of that... and I let them. That'll do. The point is, this is a sweet guy who I think genuinely likes me for me (despite my psychosis) which amazes and confuses me to no end. I'm no expert on dating, nor will I ever profess to be, so I have no idea how all this works anyway. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I don't know which race where, but I've heard this method works... so let's just see how this goes, shall we?

Now to more pictures... and I'll shut up for a bit.

From the carousel

Nesting owl

My favorite part about this, as beautiful as the gardens were, was that it wasn't "perfect". Yes, we got to change another flat tire. I don't know what it is about Nate, but there's always a flat tire to be had. He let me help... and I'm sure that wasn't fun for him, but I love this kind of stuff. I just love a good adventure, and what's an adventure if something unexpected doesn't happen? I thought it was fantastic.

So, even though I didn't get much homework done yesterday... at all, I felt productive and had a wonderful day. Oh, plus I made pumpkin chocolate chip cheesecake! It cracked... sigh, but it happens. That's why you cover the crack with a heavy chocolate drizzle, right?

In Fact There's Nothing I Can't Be

Just a random little post for you. Woke up this morning and decided, I haven't stepped on the scale for a little while. I did right after I got home from California and was a little shocked to see a smaller number on the scale than before I left. Did it really take me not exercising or eating within my regimented diet (that I didn't always follow 100% anyway) to see a difference? Seems counter-intuitave. Very much so, in fact. Anyway, it wasn't much of a difference then, but I guess it got all the other pounds excited to jump off the scale too. So, even though it has taken me 4 months to get to this point, I have finally surpassed that stupid little 5 lb mark and am in a lower set of 10's than before. I haven't really noticed much of a difference in my clothes yet, but it's only 5 lbs. Even so, it has me excited to lose more. I'm hoping 5 more by my birthday. Happy birthday to me! Right? I'm guessing the 2+ hours of dancing every day this week and my attempt to get back to the gym every day (starting yesterday) has helped. So here's to finally (in the future) looking how I want and feeling like me again!

Thank you for sharing this happy little moment with me.

P.S. If I hadn't mentioned before, vinegar works wonders for getting the sting out of sunburns. Sure, you may smell a little like vinegar for a bit, but oh, if the burn is bad enough, it's well worth it.