In Fact There's Nothing I Can't Be

Just a random little post for you. Woke up this morning and decided, I haven't stepped on the scale for a little while. I did right after I got home from California and was a little shocked to see a smaller number on the scale than before I left. Did it really take me not exercising or eating within my regimented diet (that I didn't always follow 100% anyway) to see a difference? Seems counter-intuitave. Very much so, in fact. Anyway, it wasn't much of a difference then, but I guess it got all the other pounds excited to jump off the scale too. So, even though it has taken me 4 months to get to this point, I have finally surpassed that stupid little 5 lb mark and am in a lower set of 10's than before. I haven't really noticed much of a difference in my clothes yet, but it's only 5 lbs. Even so, it has me excited to lose more. I'm hoping 5 more by my birthday. Happy birthday to me! Right? I'm guessing the 2+ hours of dancing every day this week and my attempt to get back to the gym every day (starting yesterday) has helped. So here's to finally (in the future) looking how I want and feeling like me again!

Thank you for sharing this happy little moment with me.

P.S. If I hadn't mentioned before, vinegar works wonders for getting the sting out of sunburns. Sure, you may smell a little like vinegar for a bit, but oh, if the burn is bad enough, it's well worth it.

After I Have Traveled So Far

Well, I've been back in Provo for a few days now... how exciting. School started again yesterday. Oh, joy. I've decided to be an idiot again and take too many classes. However, I wouldn't have health insurance if I weren't going at least full time, and because I'm just now a junior, I haven't been able to take a lot of the classes I've wanted to up until now. And I can't take them until at least winter of 2011 when I register as a junior. So I'm taking them now, since I can. It's gonna be a grand ole time.

Let me tell you how the last couple of days of my spring break went...

Uhm... ZOO!

Need I say more? I guess not, but I will. The zoo was amazing. Kind of funny though. My family was there and we had lunch with them, but that's about all we saw of them. They decided to go on the bus tour, and our passes didn't get us on the bus. Plus, I'd rather see the aminals up close and personal. While we were there, one of the zoo ladies drove up to the kookaburra and started making all of these crazy sounds at it... and it went nuts! It was pretty great. I've never heard anything like that, ever! Plus, we saw all sorts of other great zoo animals. I was very disappointed that there were no kangaroos though. I did see my favorite animal, so I guess I'll live.

And others that I'm quite fond of. Such as the polar bear:

There were others amongst my favorite (giraffes, of course), and I cannot forget to mention the PETTING ZOO! There were only ponies and goats. The sheep were hiding. Oh well, I still got to pet some goats. I wanted to take one of the little otters with me, but I think the zoo would have been rather upset if I had. No fun. I still loved the zoo. And it was nice to see the fam and spend the weekend with Ashley.

I wanted to get back to Vegas that night so I could get back to Provo Sunday. The plan was to be back in time for ward prayer, but I got a little caught up. I was also supposed to hang out with one of my Oregon buddies now living in Vegas, but he was sick. Why did he have to be sick? Stupid being sick.

So instead of hanging out with Mike, I went up to St. George early Sunday morning and spent the day (yes, we went to church) with another good friend I rarely see. We met last summer selling in Phoenix together. Yes, I'm pretty sure I've mentioned Nick before and have told you of the crazy friendship we have. If not, well, we're good friends and I rarely see him, so when we do get together, it's sheer madness I tell you. Well his ward started at 11 (Utah time) so I had to leave at 8 (Nevada time) to get there, which means I woke up at 7 to get ready after getting home and going to bed past midnight. Did I mention already how little I slept this weekend because of the whole Eddie thing. Yeah, I'm glad (perhaps lucky) I didn't die. Overdramatic you say? Well, probably. But I lived and that's all that matters.

Oh yeah, back to St. George. I got there early. Nick did not. In fact, he was a good 15 minutes late. As far as hymns go, we only sang together for the closing hymn, but everyone noticed the quality and volume increase by about 50 times. No joke. People commented on the good part, and I couldn't help but notice the volume. I try not to listen to myself when I sing. The whole thing was just funny.

After church, his brother and sister-in-law were having a picnic and invited us along. It was right next to the St. George tabernacle, so as we were waiting for Andy and Mandy, we went on a little tour. The missionary couple, of course, couldn't resist asking about us (as the couple we're not) and how we met, etc. Oh, and when we were getting married. Ha! We set an imaginary date... just for them. They thought the joke was funny. So, everyone, Nick and I are getting married on my birthday this year. Everyone else is doing it, why can't we? (If anyone for any reason believe this, then slap yourself upside your head and call yourself an idiot, cause it's not true.)

The picnic was great. We chatted, sang love songs and sat out in the grass for a while. It's just what we do. Don't judge. Afterward, I was given a little tour of Nick's favorite St. George spots and we went back to the church to sing some more. This time with a piano. :) Honestly, the goal was to be out of St. George and in Provo by 8. I gave up on that when I realized Nick actually had time for me this go around. Usually when we get to visit, it's just a pass through. It was an unexpected and pleasant change. Since he's going to be in China when I go home for my birthday in a few weeks, I told him he needs to come up for my birthday party the following week... if it actually happens. He might move back home (in SLC) this summer to help his dad who just had surgery, and I'm hoping he does. We probably still won't see much of each other, but it will be more than if he stays in the big G-Saint. Well, I guess we'll have to wait and see what he decides to do. It's always nice to have "old" friends around.

Monday was crazy. I was home for about 5 minutes at a time. Tuesday classes started. Yep. 9 credits. I'm insane. And I went to see Edith. They were supposed to get him out today, but it looks like it won't happen until Monday. He's survived one whole week in jail, I'm sure he can make it another. They're still struggling with the whole thing. I don't really blame them, and I think it's pretty natural. But they're doing better. At least, Edith has started to see things a little differently. So we'll see how this turns out too. If you've got it in your heart, their family could really use some prayers.

Well, that's about it for now. Long, I know. It usually is. Forgive me. Good luck to everyone taking classes this term and congratulations to all who have graduated last week. Yep Em, that means you!

I'm Miles From Where You Are

Well, it's the end of day 3 on my "spring break" vacation and I thought I should let you know where I am and what I'm up to. I haven't uploaded them yet, but pictures will come soon enough. Considering I'm going to start the trip back tomorrow, let me tell you what has happened so far.

Ashley and I took off Wednesday night after the last of finals for Las Vegas. We made a quick stop in St. George for gas and to visit a friend I used to sell with last summer. That was fun. We're meeting up again on my way back into town, which is always a blast. We made it into Vegas around 11pm and stayed at my place for the night. The last hour of the drive went pretty quick due to texts and calls from some close friends of mine regarding a friend and an incident at the school he attends. I don't really want to get into it, but it's bad news and I was up all night worried sick about him and his family. His mom called me again Thursday morning at around 5:30 to update me on the situation. I really didn't sleep at all, but at least I got to rest... ish.

Thursday morning came early. I ran around like a crazed person to make sure everything was prepared for the trip to San Diego. We caravanned with my parents and my sister's family but ended up passing them up because we got tired of all the stops and waiting. Okay, so we made one stop, but after being on the road for 6 hours the night before, and with all the sleep I got, I was ready to not be in the car any more. We did meet up with them again for lunch in Barstow (I know... not far from Vegas, but we wanted lunch anyway) and went our separate ways then. They all went towards Disneyland while we made our way south.

San Diego arrived around 5ish and we were exhausted. After updates on my friend, trying to stay awake for 2 hours and t..r..a..f..f..i..c.. I didn't want to do anything that required my brain or my body to do. Yep, we ate and watched a movie, then went to bed. Sleep came much faster and far more thoroughly than the previous night. Ahh... thank goodness.

This morning we decided to go to the beach, which was wonderful. The sky was clear, the sun was shining, there was a little breeze that kind of made it chilly, but when you're laying on the warm sand, you don't really notice too much. (We did take the opportunity to make a few close friends jealous... ahh the marvels of modern technology and camera phones...) Unfortunately when I put on my sunscreen (yes, I slathered it on because I really am the whitest white person that ever could be white) I forgot a few spots I didn't realize would be seeing the sun. Silly me. So now I have severe sunburns... and it hurts. Not to mention the places I did slather with sunscreen, but still decided to burn. Yep, fun. However, to make soothe my pain, Ashley took me out to lunch (also for the birthday of mine she will be missing next month) and then to a rodeo.

MY FIRST EVER RODEO! And it was great!

Well, it was great until the girls next to us started smoking, then a guy behind us did too... and then there was almost a fight and security came and there was mention made of the girls smoking too and they starting giving us the stink-eye. Did I mention there was no smoking allowed inside the rodeo? They cheered when we left. Really pathetic, right? But the rodeo was pretty great. I'm rather impressed with anyone who can hold on to a horse or bull like that. So, I was bucked off a horse once, and yeah... that hurts. Ouch boys, ouch.

So now we're just sitting here on our computers contemplating the great mysteries of the universe. Or, we're playing random games and thinking about how much we're going to love the zoo tomorrow. :)

The plan is for now: Tomorrow, bridal shower (Ash's sister), zoo - meeting up with my family again... just because the zoo is fun with kids too, then I'm headed back to Vegas. I'll stay overnight in Vegas and start back to Provo Sunday. I'm not sure where I'll be going to church, but I'm going. I'll stop in St. George again to visit summer sales friend and then head to Provo. I don't know when I'll be back, but at least Monday I have nothing going on so I can sleep. Tuesday is back to the daily grind of school.

Speaking of school, I found out today that I got a scholarship for next Fall and Winter semesters! I'm just as shocked as anyone... I've never been eligible for scholarships before. It should be enough to pay for full tuition, and perhaps some books. Yay! My folks were so excited. I think I may have moved up a few ranks closer to becoming the "favorite" child. If I keep this up I might be able to rank higher than one of the beloved cats. Well, I'm not getting my hopes up too high. I'm just glad they were as happy as I am.

So when I get back to Provo, we get to figure out this whole mess with my friend, get ready for school and sleep a lot. Sounds like a good plan to me. But so far, this has been a great vacation. It will be sad to leave this beautiful, beautiful land of California. Just pray I don't fall asleep in the car on the way back. I might need the help.

(Apparently tonight we also decided to raid a friend's facebook wall. We filled it with random confessions of love and jealousy. You know... that's what happens at 2 in the morning. It's what we do when we're not thinking. Some people cliff jump, we write love confessions on peoples' walls. At least we know this guy can take it.... and really, we're the ones who look crazy.)

Look for the Stars as the Sun Goes Down

It has been brought to my attention that I haven't posted in over a week. Apparently that's something that will cost me a few lashings if I dare attempt it again. Well, I'm sorry. A lot has been going on. Well, not a lot, but let's just say finals week is a jealous mistress. I have had some fun since classes ended... thank goodness. I'm grateful I was smart enough to prepare for finals a couple weeks in advance. And now, a day early, I can say I am officially finished with finals for the semester. Ah yes. Refreshing indeed. But back to all the fun. Where to begin?...

(Wavy flashback scene)

Oh I remember now. Classes ended the 13th for winter, which meant all of my real in-class (can only take in class before the end of classes because there aren't enough rooms for them during finals week) finals were over. 3 classes down... 3 to go. 3 very challenging classes to go. As is tradition in our apartment now, we, of course, ended the semester with a roommate slumber party. Really, all this entails is pulling our mattresses out into the living room (also requiring a bit of rearranging) and sleeping in the same room. Usually there's some junk food involved, a movie or two and definitely some Nintendo 64. Cause we're cool like that.

Emily also got a flat... so we changed the tire. I feel so manly sometimes.

Oh, dare I forget, the one tradition that never fails: mattress jumping. Shh... don't tell the landlord. We pile up the blankets and pillows and jump from the highest height in our living room... and take pictures. Let's be honest here, what's the point in doing something strange if it isn't or can't be documented? (This all happened in the evening because during the naturally lighted hours of the day, I was feverishly studying for the freakishly hard tests quickly approaching.) We even had a guest for part of the evening. We didn't last semester, but maybe we should have, because hey, the more the merrier.

Friday I took the "hardest" test of finals week. Or so my teacher and all the TAs told me. It was actually pretty hard. I'm grateful for my B. (I talked to a girl in my class today that got a 62... I was really grateful for my 84... but felt so bad for her. No really, it was seriously hard. But shoot, I studied seriously hard for it.)

Saturday was a day full of fun, adventure, antics and wedding stuff. I woke up as early as I could, ran to the store to get a shower gift for my wonderful friend, went to her shower, ran home and showered myself, ran off to my cousin's (well... kind of a cousin) wedding reception, then hopped on the freeway headed north to Sugarhouse Park. It was Jason's (another friend from Oregon) birthday.

His brother, Kevin, decided to throw him a party and miraculously convinced a carload of Oregonians to attend. There may have been some kind of bribe involved. I would imagine so because that's one long drive. The party aspect of it was great. The surprise went off without a hitch. However, the best part of this weekend was Won. She was in the carload of Oregonians who made the journey all the way out to the "promised land". I couldn't be happier. I haven't seen her since... well, since just about 2 months after I got home from my mission... over a year ago! Won and I were roommates just after high school and she's seriously the little sister I never had. I love her guts!

We talked about boys, school, life, dreams, goals, plans, careers, more boys and how much we've missed each other. She refuses to move out here, which breaks my heart. I would go back to Oregon in a heart beat if I could. Alas, my fate is to stay in Utah. At least for now. Which, I guess I'm fine with. At least the sun is shining consistently now. Well, I had a wonderful time with Won and the boys (it's quite common for Won and I to be the only two girls in a large group... at least it was "back in the day") and it ended too quickly.

Hmm... what else to mention? Sunday was pretty good. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night and felt sick from all the junk I put in my body over the last several days (or something, I'm just not sure, but it wasn't pleasant), so I made it to Sacrament meeting Sunday and went home to sleep it off. That helped. Then went and watched some Avatar. No, not that movie with the blue people. The real Avatar. You know, the last air bender. Soooooooo good. My roommates were having some people over for dinner, which I'm sure I could have stayed for and enjoyed with them, but I struggle quite severely in large groups of people I don't know. Needless to say, I opted out. It's really not the people. I'm sure they're wonderful people, and they sounded like they were having fun. I just can't handle it all the time. Well, I was invited to have dinner with the apartment of lovely ladies I visit teach. They won a free dinner from a service auction last month, and hey, my friend happened to be the one cooking. Great company of people I knew... I was picking that one. So spicy thai food it was. And it was delicious. Spicier than my body usually tolerates, but it was so worth it. Later, this culinary mastermind of a friend and I went for a lovely little walk since the sky and outside places were so lovely. Apparently I enjoy the company of this particular person. I haven't asked him to leave yet.

Monday, Monday. Monday is kind of a blur. I remember a book... notecards... literature... the sun... pen... some burning... I think a movie is in there somewhere... FHE.... ICE CREAM!... so hot... why is it so hot?... cute boy sitting next to me? Yes, but there must be something more... ugh... why is it so hot?... who left the broiler on?... what?!... not me... Emily?... oh no! it was Lauren.... WHY!?!... so hot... midnight. Bed.

I woke up early this morning knowing there was much to do and very little time to do it in. What? It's already 1:30. I need to go to bed. But I'll finish this for your sake. Whomever "you" may be. Yep. I worked the whom. So, I woke up and studied for a good 3 hours. I think. Finally I realized, oh yeah, said boy on the couch next to me asked me out to lunch today... in an hour! YES! I've been getting ready for the day in record time lately. Showered (including necessary shaving even), dressed, hair, makeup, gathering all I need for whatever event of the day, all in 30 minutes. And looking fairly good if I do say so myself. I'll admit though, as excited as I was, I was probably just as nervous. I don't know why. Probably because I'm completely unaware of any proper social etiquette/norms/interaction. I haven't done the date thing since, well, let's not bring that up, but it's been almost 5 months! That's enough to make a girl feel out of practice. Not that I've ever felt really confident about the whole dating thing anyway. Luckily everything went well. I didn't spill on myself, injure myself, drool on myself, spill, injure or drool on anyone else. Yeah, I think that went well. Actually, it was all quite sweet... and a lot of fun (at least on my end. There's no accounting for him, and though I didn't commit any of the above crimes, there's no reason to think I couldn't have easily made a fool of myself completely unawares). We went on a picnic. And it was wonderful. I made friends with a bee. He did not. We talked, we laughed, we ate. Not in that exact order, but you get the idea. What a wonderful way to (hopefully) end this drought. I guess we'll have to wait and see if he comes back or if he was completely scarred by the experience. I, for one, was thrilled...and pray I didn't scar him. (I could go on and on about how handsome, interesting, funny, smart, and overall attractive I think he is, but for the sake of him possibly reading this, I won't. :) )

To end an already wonderful day, I took my last final. Yep. Done! Why would that be wonderful? Because I got a 92 on it!!! This was one of my harder classes mind you. And if I can share a little secret without being condemned, this is the class I had a hard time getting to in the morning... so I wasn't always there. I'm shocked I did so well on the test. But again, it just goes to show what study can do. Even though I didn't make it to every class, I did try to keep up with the reading and assignments. How do you motivate yourself to go to a mass lecture at the crack of dawn in winter? I mean really, do you blame me?

Now I have the day tomorrow to relax, perhaps play some tennis, pack, and tomorrow night, it's off to Vegas. Then Thursday, to the warm beaches of San Diego! Don't worry, I'll be back. I will post pictures and update, etc before another week has passed. You'll live. I promise.

(^What's this picture? you ask? Well, this one is just for good measure. Because I like the picture and this the whole world should see it.) Enjoy BYU's "spring break" y'all! I know I will.

I'm On My Way to Believing

About 3 months ago, Carrie, a girl I served with on my mission came to visit. She and I had never been companions, but we went on exchanges for a day once and shared the same trainer. That afternoon we decided to give our trainer (living in Rexburg) a call and see how she was. I hadn't seen her since our mission. Well, she had just broken up with her boyfriend... I believe that same day. It was unfortunate, but, as usual, for the best. Not too long after she started dating another boy. This was the pattern for her. She has one of those personalities that draw them in. I don't know how it works, but it does for her.

About two months ago I get a request from her for my address. She was engaged to this new boy. I thought, "Wow, that's fast, but good for her. She has finally decided to settle down. I hope this kid knows what he's getting himself into." (Remember, I spent 6 weeks of my life with her 24/7 and had a little, perhaps very little, insight into her personality.)

Last week, I finally got to meet this boy. I have to say I was really impressed. He was patient, kind, laughed a lot and seemed to be genuinely happy and in love. After interacting with him for a few moments, I thought to myself, "He really is perfect for her. I hope she knows what she's getting herself into."

Yesterday, Carrie and I took a little trip to Rexburg for the blessed occasion.

It was wonderful. We were even invited to the sealing! I could hardly believe it because after she left, I really didn't hear from her again. On top of that, my other companion who was married late last year didn't even tell me she was getting married. It was great to be included in something so important, and I'm so happy for the newlyweds. So congratulations Breanna and Anton. May your life together be filled with laughter, very few tears and loads of love.

For a moment or two, I was a little concerned that it would be difficult to share in the joy of the occasion, which, would be selfish, but the thought crossed my mind. So many people had been married since coming home from their missions. So many people were engaged or in wonderful relationships. And I was not. Not even close. Not even near the border of close. But after the drive with Carrie there, being a part of this event, and along the drive home, I realized that it was okay. My world doesn't revolve around being in a relationship. In fact, I'm quite happy being single (no seriously... generally I am). I was filled with a renewed sense of hope and satisfaction as well as gratitude that we believe in eternal families, and when

Mr. Perfect-For-Me comes my way, it will be forever.

As I was dropping Carrie off at home, the song The Only Exception by Paramore, came on the radio, which really is one of my favorites right now. (Paramore is my official favorite band to work out to, as a side note.) That same sense of hope came rushing back because I think I really am on my way to believing (again) that love, between imperfect human beings, is real. That it's not all one big joke or game people play to satisfy their sense of worth, power, emotions or passions. It seems silly that I would think anything otherwise, but if you knew the entirety of my experiences with men and general relationships, you'd understand.

So, the point of this post is that, though I may worry occasionally about my relationship status, I am generally happy, content and hopeful. I know who I am. I know God's plan. (finish the song if you so chose) I'm grateful for the time I have to continue to learn about and improve myself without worrying about taking care of a family. Even if it takes another 24 years, I know that when I do get married, it will be to the right person at the right time and in the right place. If it does take another 24 years, I hope I can remember everything I just claimed to understand during that time.

P.S. I've also decided I would not choose to live in Idaho unless it was absolutely necessary. There was far too much roadkill for any given stretch of road... and where did the mountains go?

Also, I almost ran over a skunk in Lehi. Apparently they run rampant out there. I'm grateful he got to live and I can still drive my car odor free.

Listen to the Music of the Moment, Maybe Sing With Me

This weekend was full of moments to sing about. It was just GREAT! Starting with a mission reunion Friday night and spending the weekend with my sister and her family, and ending with a 3-hour phone call with someone who has quickly become one of my best friends. I just wish he didn't live so far away, but 4 hours is better than 40, so I count my blessings. Anyway, here are some pictures of the highlights of our adventures:

Sister Taylor and Sister Cox are two of my favorite sisters. Sister Taylor and I were white-washed into Lake Villa together and had a blast. Of course, all good things only last one transfer. Sister Cox and I went on exchanges together in DeKalb, which was also great.

After dropping Kaleb off in SLC, I got to my sister's and the next morning we dyed eggs, made apple dumplings, jam...

...and dipped TONS of strawberries. There are more than this, we just didn't take pictures.

Then, we tie-dyed eggs. This was a first attempt, but I still think they turned out really great.

And of course there were piggy-back rides and wrestling.

I eventually found myself at the bottom of this pile once all the kids wanted piggy-back rides from me and didn't want to take turns. My sister has pics of at least 4 of them piled on top of me. I have to admit, that was one of my favorite parts of the day.

Come Sunday morning, the kids woke up to their Easter baskets full of goodies, and as is traditional in our family, Peeps were involved. After egg hunting, my sister and I come back into the kitchen to find this:

We call it the Great Peep Massacre

Naturally, the chickens were offended/upset/outraged and came after ME!

Fortunately I escaped....but only narrowly.

Instead of being attacked by chickens, I was attacked by one of THESE (not Sam... the thing he's holding) and almost lost a finger. I had to hang up the phone on my mother abruptly because of the gushing blood from trying to block this thing as it came straight for my face. Nothing but a flesh wound though.

After brunch and Conference at the Whipple's, I headed home and enjoyed the second Sunday session with my roommates. I love Conference and look forward to reading the Conference issue of the Ensign next month. It's my favorite. After Conference, I decided to make a few phone calls, including one to my brother in Oregon. I rarely talk to him anymore, which is a shame. I was really close to him growing up (mostly because we're only 2 years apart) even though he beat me up a lot. I got a little emotional, I'll admit, and was embarrassed that I was crying on the phone with my brother in front of my roommates. It was really great to talk to him. I miss him a lot.

Among my phone calls was one to a really good friend I met last summer selling in Phoenix. We really hit it off right away and hung out all the time before he went home. Since he's in school in St. George, I never see him, but make the effort to visit when ever I go home. We hadn't spoken in a long time... months even. It's hard to do when both of us are so busy, and he was dating someone for a while... so that's possibly a factor. Either way, I left a message and he called me back later that night. We spoke for a good 3 hours, not including the time his phone cut out due to poor reception. It's amazing how, no matter how much time goes by (seemingly), you can pick up just where you left off and it feels like no time at all. We have a lot of the same interests, share the same insights, have a similar thought process and love to talk about EVERYTHING. I'm not sure why this person is in my life, but he has proven to be a great blessing and I am grateful for his friendship. I'm hoping we get to actually spend time together this summer. We'll see how it goes, but as always, you will be updated.

Main theme of our conversation last night: You win some, you learn some.

Courtesy of Jason Mraz.

I hope everyone had a happy Easter. I know I did.

What Hurts the Most

Happy April Fools everyone. This is not my favorite of days because I suck at pranks or practical jokes, and therefore cannot take it when they're dished at me. Not like verbal jokes, I can take those. Well, last night we tried pulling a prank on a roommate, and it failed. We didn't get caught, but it failed. After that we tried to think of other things we could do. Well, only two of us were up by that time so we attempted prank #1 again. Less failure, but still failed. Then, we happened to have a toothbrush that was identical to another roommate's and put the old one in the toilet to make it look like the roommate's got flushed. (Make sense?) Apparently our shenanigans caused a snowball effect (I should have seen that coming) and when I woke up this morning, the toilet paper was missing and the toilet seat was covered in some slimy substance. I thought it was gross and rather inconvenient since I had an early appointment with the department head for the program I was trying to get into (that no one knew about). So, it was kind of funny, but a little frustrating. Needless to say, I did not react well (even though I did kind of bring it on myself with earlier attempts). Apparently I'm not a morning person either. So I ended up being kind of a jerk to my roommate. She felt bad, and I felt bad that she felt bad because that wasn't my purpose.

So I have this problem with not being able to say things cohesively. I do something or feel a certain way and try to express myself, but I end up looking like an idiot because my reasoning doesn't make sense. Apparently I learned nothing from my mission, because I'm still doing it. This was another example of that. And of course I end up being a jerk. What hurts the most is hurting the people closest to you. Especially when it's unintentional. If you mean to do it, you obviously don't feel bad because you accomplished your purpose. At least until you get a heart and realize hurting people isn't good. I think I just need to learn to shut my mouth. I keep saying that, but I still don't learn. So I'm sorry, everyone, for all the stupid things I always seem to say and do.

Why is it so impossible for my to say things so they make sense????? Or so I don't sound idiotic? Or mean? I give up. When you see me again, just smile and nod. Or ignore me. That might be best. My poor roommates. And family. They have to put up with this for extended periods of time. Everyone else can just walk away.

If it makes anyone feel better, I apparently didn't get ALL of this slimy substance off my toilet seat before using it. At least I got most of it.