Sundays Are Interesting

First, I'm grateful I made it through church today. The chapel was SO hot. I am grateful Cory was willing to fan me with the program almost the entire meeting. Just to show you how hot it was, during Sunday school, he fell asleep. Well, the heat was not the interesting part of our meetings. That came in Relief Society. Surprised? I'm not either.

The lesson in Relief Society today was temples. For all my non-LDS friends who may read this, temples are very sacred places of worship for us Mormons. Within the walls of the temple, couples and families are sealed together for eternity (essentially our wedding ceremony), those who did not have the opportunity when they were alive to be baptized can be, and it's a place where we can find peace away from the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives. We believe that a major component in God's plan for us (His children) is families. We are born into families for a reason... thus the eternal family/marriage thing.


I mean, look at this place (one of 136 temple in operation throughout the world), who wouldn't want to get married in such a beautiful building?

The reason why this particular lesson on temples was so interesting is because the sister sharing the lesson began by telling the rest of us how she didn't have a testimony of temples. That's a good way to get a person's attention. The rest of the lesson was a little fragmented as she shared quite a bit of detail in her life story. In a way, it was refreshing to be reminded that not everyone who is LDS has the same testimony in each aspect of the Gospel. Here's her story in a nutshell: This sister was adopted into an abusive family along with her brother. She grew up without a knowledge of the Church (or any church from how it sounded). Because of her abusive upbringing, she left home at 15, was pretty much a vagrant, and very promiscuous. She moved to Hong Kong, was going to marry a man for his money, ended up falling in love with a different man, started learning about the Church through some friends, and moved back to the United States. Here in the U.S., she was baptized and served a mission in Korea. When she returned from her mission, she met and married a man in the temple (remember, for eternity). After about 2 years and a child, they divorced because, in his words, she wasn't "drop-dead gorgeous." Hey, no one is perfect. And yes, Mormons are supposed to hold themselves to a high standard, but that doesn't mean all of us live the way we should. It's sad, but true.

Needless to say, this kind of experience could completely jade a person. Just like any other negative experience we have. If your close friend gets injured in a specific activity, you're probably less likely to participate in that particular activity... and it's more likely that you're friend won't do it again. Well, that's what happened to this sister. She did eventually re-marry. But not in the temple. People change, and there's a huge fear that you won't like the person your spouse becomes. Well, I have a few thoughts on that matter. First, hopefully you and your spouse are constantly working together to become closer to each other by becoming closer to God. That is something you and your to-be spouse need to decide before getting married though. And, as the below diagram depicts (you may have to use a little bit of imagination), as you both come closer to God, each spouse automatically grows closer to the other.



That's not to say that the fear doesn't exist. And in reality, you don't know what will happen in the future. Take my parents. They divorced when I was really young, for reasons I'll probably never understand. They're back together again (after 16 years), but that's a whole different story for another time. That's what the whole faith thing is all about. You have faith that your spouse will do what they need to do, as they have that same faith in you. People do change. They're supposed to. But hopefully it's for the better.

My second thought on this is that this whole marriage thing takes work. If neither of you are willing to put in the work, or if only one of you is, chances are, it probably won't work. I know I'm no expert. I haven't even been married a year. But this is just what I've seen and these are my feelings from my experiences. And I'm not saying that this sister didn't put work into her marriage. I'm not pointing fingers anywhere. Again, these are just my little reflections.

So what did I take out of this lesson? As I sat there, listening to this and other sisters' horror stories of being married in the temple to the wrong person, or having a very different outcome than expected, I was filled with gratitude. Why? I am so grateful that this sister was brave enough to share with the rest of us that she was unsure. I am grateful because I do have a testimony in temples, and by having a testimony in temples, I have a testimony in the eternal nature of families. Growing up, because my parents were divorced, I never knew what would happen to my family after we were all dead. That was scary. I had a fear that because my parents weren't together, I wouldn't see the rest of my family after this life. There was no promise or guarantee. At least in my mind. When I was that young, I didn't fully understand the doctrine.

I am grateful that my children will never have to experience that same fear. But didn't I just say that you never know what will happen and that people change? Yes. Yes, I did. But Cory and I are both determined to work hard at our marriage, and the rest we go on by faith, always asking and praying that God will help us through whatever trials may come. And I know He will help us as long as we are willing to put in the work.

I probably have a few other things I should add, or that I wanted to add, but I think that will come a little later.

Resizing

You know... when you're pregnant... everything changes sizes. Your waist, your chest, your hips, your feet, even your fingers. It wasn't until the end of just last week that I started having a hard time getting my wedding ring off. On warmer days, it was really uncomfortable just wearing it. So I would either not wear it, or I would wear a different ring. Either way, I felt kind of naked without this baby:

I mean, I've been wearing it for over a year now. And nothing feels quite the same. Besides, I love it so much. I hope you can see why. (I would have taken a picture of it on my finger... but it just didn't do it justice.)

Last week I wore a different ring to work. One of the girls I supervise was asking where my wedding ring was. I tried to explain to her the concept of water retention and told her that it happens sometimes during pregnancies. (Not everyone deals with it, but us truly lucky ones do I suppose). Her remark, in a very appalled tone, was "what!? Your fingers get fat!?!" as I'm sitting there eating a cheeseburger that I had picked up on the way to work since I didn't have time to make anything. Yeah. That made me feel super great. Not only am I eating gross food, but my wedding ring doesn't fit, and if I didn't feel this way before, I sure felt fat now. Awesome. Make the pregnant lady feel fat. It was one of those moments where I really had to step back and refrain from a.) crying, and b.) yelling. It was also a moment where I had to remember to forgive much faster than I am sometimes willing to. Maybe I'm not completely over it, but I don't begrudge the girl anymore. She just doesn't know. She hasn't been pregnant. She has probably never been overweight. She probably hasn't had anyone tell her how hurtful unconscious words could be. So I'm choosing to let it go... hopefully sooner than later.

Today, my darling husband went out of his way, while I was at work again, to go get my ring re-sized. He may have felt bad for me, or was getting sick of my sad puppy eyes each time I tried but failed to fit my ring on my finger. Either way, he showed up at work with my ring. I traded my plastic Cracker Jack ring he originally proposed with (you should read the whole story... it's pretty cute) for the real thing. It really made my night. I have such a good husband. And luckily he was smart enough to buy a warranty that provides free ring sizing and cleanings. So smart and so good to me.

I'm not even thinking about my ring being a bigger size now. I feel less "fat" wearing it. I feel more complete having that symbol of our eternal relationship on my finger. Plus... we looked it up and my ring's value increased about 40%. That's pretty neat.

Attitude

I was recently complemented for my very positive attitude. It was such a nice complement, but it surprised me a little too. I think we all tell others that we're "fine" when asked how we are. I try hard to be a little more honest about how I'm doing than "fine". Why not? If they're asking, I'll tell them. If they weren't genuine, maybe that will teach them a lesson. Maybe not. Either way, my usual response is "great" or "I'm going well." Well, I usually am. Granted, I am ALWAYS tired, hungry, in pain, anxious, frustrated, or some combination of the lot. But most of these come along with the territory that is pregnancy. SO, if I just push all that aside and focus on everything else, like the fact that I'm having a baby, or my wonderful husband, life is genuinely great.

It all comes with the attitude. There are some circumstances that we cannot change. There are some terrible things that happen. But I think with a little perspective and some gratitude for how good things really are, life can truly be great all the time. Does this mean that when terrible things happen to us that we should just pretend we haven't been through something terrible. No. I think that would be dishonest and make us even more miserable. And that's why Heavenly Father puts us into families and why we have friends. We are given others to love and to love us so we can rely on them and they upon us when these things happen. Knowing that I have people like that around me, people I can turn to when life genuinely sucks, makes life kind of great... even in the midst of misery.

Last week I got pretty upset at Cory for something. (We all do things to upset one another... not with that intent, but we're human and it happens.) Something dumb. But I was justified in my mind. And I probably was. I had every right to be angry. I was also determined to be a little immature about it. I was determined to give him the cold shoulder so he would know that I was upset with him. When I walked through the door that night, with that same determination. I went to walk past him, but then when I looked at him, I just had to hug him. How could I be so cold to a man I love so much and am SO blessed to have in my life? Was I still upset? Yes. But instead of being petty and immature, I talked to him. I told him how I felt. After that, I wasn't upset anymore. By changing my attitude a little bit, I was able to take a situation that made me miserable (granted, I was adding to my misery a bit) and turn it into a learning moment and a time where my husband and I could bond.

I hope I can continue to take really crummy moments in my life and turn them into learning opportunities, or moments of service and joy. I hope that I can teach this to my children so they can have happy and successful marriages. Attitude can be the difference in everything. And I think, at least I will try hard, to keep my attitude positive.

One of My Very Favorite Things

This week is spring break for the school I work at. It would be an awesome week where I get to sleep in... if it hadn't been for the fact that my hours were cut dramatically last week. I now work only 3 hours compared to the 12-14 I was working before. I may have called my mom frantically the other day because I didn't know if I would be able to pay the bills, help with rent, etc. She told me to calm down and that everything would be okay. After a week or so now, I've been able to calm down a bit. Why? Because I've worked like mad in the evenings instead. It happens to be our busiest time of the semester at the HFAC. So instead of getting a nice fatty paycheck, it will end up being about the same. It's great, I'm not freaking out. But give it another week or two and I might start freaking again.

The great thing about having fewer morning hours is that I do get to sleep in. What's nice about that? Well, sometimes Cory gets up and leaves for work before I do now. Not often, but sometimes it happens. What could be so great about this? Well, every morning, before Cory has to leave, he comes into the bedroom to collect his pocket items... you know, wallet, keys, etc. Before he walks out, he leans all the way across the bed and kisses my cheek. I love it. It just sets me in the best mood every morning. I love this man so much. He may not always see a dirty dish, but he still does all the other little things to show me how much he loves me. I'm so thrilled that our little girl will have a daddy that will show her these little acts of love all the time. He's such a good man. I couldn't have picked anyone better.

New June Bug Picture

This is the newest, and most technologically amazing, picture of our little June Bug. Tomorrow she will be 26 weeks and she already has a little bit of chub on her. We're getting so close to the third trimester, and I'm so excited to see her face to face! We're really fortunate that we've had 4 ultrasounds during this pregnancy. It's a blessing that U of U happened to be doing a study for first time moms during all this. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to see her progress like we have. I love this picture too. We got a DVD recording of the entire ultrasound, which was pretty great. I got to show Cory the whole thing since he couldn't come to the appointment. Up, and covering a little bit of the right side of her face, what looks like it could be her arm, is really her leg. You can kind of see her ankle just above. She was so wiggly the whole time, and refused to move her arm out of the way, so the sonographer literally had to prod her until she moved. She wasn't very compliant the first couple of tries, but eventually, with the right angle shift, she cooperated. And I love that her little lip is sticking out a bit. During the ultrasound, we even got a little smile out of her. I'm hoping I can do a screen shot from the DVD so I can post that too. And the part where she is grabbing and playing with her toes. It really was super cute. I got to see her open and close her hand, so I know all the fingers are there (Cory's brother has 2 fused toes... so you never know). We got to look at all the chambers of her heart, her stomach, diaphragm, kidneys, brain... and everything looks good.

I'm so grateful she is healthy, and seems to be a happy little girl in there. She's very wiggly and likes to scrunch up and stretch out. She's having her own personal dance party or something. I love her so much and feel so lucky that we get to hold her in our arms in 3 short months. :)

Bad Habits

I have a friend (a girl who was once my visiting teacher a few years back) who is just the cutest thing. When I met her, she was a hair stylist and I always looked up to her for how put-together she always was. She had the cutest clothes, her hair was beautiful, and even if she was only wearing mascara, she was always so beautiful. Plus, she has this smile that will light up a room and takes a genuine interest in people. She's probably one of the first visiting teachers I was excited to have come visit me.

Recently this friend of mine started a blog. And, being the blog-stalker that I am, I started reading it. To my surprise, her blog was all about eating disorders and body image. This girl that I so adored and admired for her confidence and beauty was writing about how she saw herself, the world, and how it really is. I was automatically hooked. Some friends' blogs I can go a few days (seeing a new post) without reading. Hers, I don't want to. They seem to give me a better sense of self and a little boost in my day.

Why has this particular blog affected me so much? Well, it's simple. I've struggled with an eating disorder for several years of my life, which is probably why I'm writing this particular blog post. It has never been consistent. But usually, when I gain a little weight, I freak out and go into a spiral of self-loathing. I don't always automatically go into bad eating habits mode. And I don't always hate myself when I eat a cheeseburger. I'm fortunate that I'm not, and haven't been, in the same negative place that many girls have been and are in. I definitely count my blessings. And I think I would be there if I didn't have the Gospel of Christ in my life.

I think right before my mission was when it was the worst. It was the time I was very stressed out, living in an unfamiliar place (albeit with people whom I loved and who loved me too), working 2 jobs, trying to pay off a LOAD of debt, dating a boy who was very vain, and trying to prepare for my mission. I know the family I lived with was concerned. The mother even tried talking to me about in the most loving ways. I always blew her off telling her I genuinely wasn't hungry. I got very used to the feeling of hunger, to the point where it didn't bother me any more. But I was exhausted. I couldn't shake the feeling of being so tired. But I lost a lot of weigh, quickly. I dropped sizes (even though I was still only a size 12 max... I was so excited to be in a 10 and wanted so badly to get down to an 8). It's the smallest I had ever remembered being. My boyfriend kept telling me I looked great. My mom, when she saw me, told me I looked great. I felt like I looked great. But the truth of it is, I felt terrible. It took months for the mission department of the Church to approve my mission papers because I was anemic and needed to get it under control before I could leave. Instead of taking care of my body, my doctor prescribed iron supplements. They worked, and I was grateful.

It wasn't so much a problem during my mission, I think because I was so focused on more important things, but with some companions it was a problem. I did have one companion that I knew of for sure who was bulimic. I was so mad at her because she was letting her issues get in the way of our work. I was trying so hard not to focus on my own eating problems and just do the work. We weren't companions for long, not by choice, but I was kind of glad for these reasons.

It got bad again after my mission though. I went right back into a lot of the same old habit. It has come and gone since then (now that it's 3 years since I've been home) and I still have my good and bad days. Not so much with my actions, but definitely with my feelings about myself and food. The good thing is, when I have more important things to concern myself with (like my mission and with my baby), I don't act on my inclinations to not eat. This pregnancy and having healthy children is far more important to me than food. Don't worry, I'm pretty good at taking my vitamins too. And Baby Girl is really healthy and perfectly developed at this point. That's the greatest blessing of all.

In my friend's most recent blog, she talks about a contract with herself. She mentions to stop doing one thing and do another instead. When you want to do the thing you shouldn't, do more of the good thing you're trying to do. So, for myself, I promise not to starve myself and to be grateful (and thank my Heavenly Father every day) for the blessings I have been given.

Yes, I have gained a lot of weight with this pregnancy. But that's normal, and I gained about 15 lbs right before getting pregnant. Since then, I've gained another 15-ish lbs, which is normal. Well, for a "typical" person. When you're already overweight, they say you should only gain 15 lbs total. Yes, I want to lose weight after Baby Girl comes into the world. But that will come with a healthy diet and more exercise. I want to be closer to my ideal weight (which is not my pre-mission/anorexia weight) when I get pregnant with baby #2. Fortunately I have a summer of no school so I'll finally have time to exercise with a real routine. It will happen, and I will get control of my food issues. It may take a while, but it will happen. I'm determined. I will not feel bad about eating good foods. I will not feel ugly when I'm just a little overweight. I will not let my poor body image take over who I am.

Like I said, I'm not as bad off as some... maybe even most with eating disorders. For that I'm grateful.

I'm a little hesitant to post this, but I think, to keep myself accountable, I'm going to.

If you're interested in reading Sherry's blog, here it is: http://doingtheroar.blogspot.com/

One Way or Another, He Finds A Way

You know when you get a prompting to do something, and you put it off, or are a little nervous about doing it, and then when you finally do it you feel pretty awesome? Well, I felt awesome yesterday.

Starting back in January, I was getting major promptings to ask a friend of mine to meet with the missionaries. I never really judged members when I was serving a mission for not asking their friends to meet with us. I know it's not an easy thing to do. Some members were just naturally awesome at it. Others didn't have anyone to ask. And some were not that kind of person. But now I can truly attest to the fact that it's not easy asking someone you're good friends with to meet with the missionaries.

Now that it's 2 months later, I finally found an opportunity to sit down and talk to her about it. It was kind of an interesting experience. The conversation started off with some creepy stuff (because we had just watched a really creepy video... seriously scary) and somehow it led into talking about spiritual things and meeting with the missionaries. It was really great because she gave me the run-down of her experience with the Church and missionaries. I'm glad she felt comfortable telling me about it, but then again, she has an open personality.

The best part is that recently she has become friends with someone else (back in February) who has been a big part in her starting to read the Book of Mormon. Yeah... maybe I should have actually gotten on this back in January. I guess when you slack off, the Lord finds another way to make things happen. But still I think the other times that I sat down with her with the intent to ask her to meet with the missionaries, but didn't, only solidified our relationship even more. Which, led up to this conversation and me actually doing it.

Well, I told her that if she didn't want to, I was completely fine with it. Or if she didn't want to meet with them in her apartment, ours was completely open to her (it always is anyway...). I also explained to her that I had been having these promptings for a while. Anyway, she told me she just might take me up on the offer. It might not be for a little while, but she would definitely consider it. I'm feeling pretty good about this. It's not often you find a real missionary opportunity outside inactive or less active members of the Church in Provo. But I'm grateful for the opportunity to share my testimony with her. I hope she takes me up on it, and I hope and pray she will find an answer in regards to the Book of Mormon.